“What are your green flags?” was the opening question that he chose to respond to. 
“I can cook” is what he chose to write. 
I wanted to respond with “That’s not a green flag, that’s just a basic survival method.” But I didn’t. I just left it, and after 24 hours, as is written into the mechanics of the app we had matched on, the conversation just ‘poof’ disappeared. Which was probably fortunate, I didn’t have the energy to get myself into thatconversation. I get it, he might have been making a joke (but if he was, do better sir), but if he wasn’t, now that’s a bit sad, isn’t it? It’s 2025, you’re a 30-something single man and you think that it’s a ‘good sign’ that you can fend for yourself? He didn’t even bother to mention if he could do it well – perhaps a communicational flaw on his behalf, but we will never find out. 

It might have been interesting at least, to engage in the conversation though. I mean, I’ve had so many chats with guys about what their ‘signature dish’ is – spoiler alert, 9 times out of 10 it’s some variation of a pasta. Frequently carbonara. But I haven’t yet had a conversation with a guy about whether he actually can cook. Like I said, by this age you just assume it’s a given. 

I’ve been described as the type of person who could ‘have fun talking to a brick wall’ – which I wouldn’t say is entirely true. I once went on a date with a guy that lasted less than an hour since he wasn’t really giving me anything and I didn’t have the energy to just keep on going. But despite that one experience, the friend who described me that way wasn’t wrong – I generally have a lot of fun yapping away – but my preference is that the brick wall – I mean, person, talks back. A bit of bounce, a little bit of back and forth keeps things fun. 

But after a while, it can get tiring. I’ve (almost) gotten so sick of my stories that I consider adding in little white lies to make them more interesting for me to tell. 

So, it got me thinking about the things that come up, repeatedly, the standard reactions that I get, that I could almost put money on, and the questions that put me to sleep. And then there’s those tangents that keep things interesting – either in an endearing and fun way, or in the way that makes me take a mental note to share that with my mates in the group chat as soon as I can. 

So, here’s a bit of the mundane (to me…) these are just some of the many conversations I find myself in, time and time again. And after meeting as many people as I have on the apps and then in person, well, it does get a little exhausting.

I attract health trauma stories

I think there’s something about me that screams “tell me your hectic health related tales” – some kind of neon sign above my head that glows “sympathetic set of ears over here”. It’s weird because I’m usually horrified by whatever they have to share – but that doesn’t stop them. I’ve previously mentioned the guy with the broken ass hole but strangely his story was more appropriately shared than the guy who spent almost 20 minutes letting me know about his gum disease treatment plan. There was no end of date kiss.  

People want to know why I support St Kilda Football Club

And I get it. They’re certainly not the obvious choice. If you were choosing a team, you probably wouldn’t go for the perpetual losers. Unless your decision making is motivated by spicy drama. The only reason that I follow the Saints is that at the point I was looking, they were the most controversial club in the league. I won’t go into details but it’s not a good story. It always gives my dates the chance to judge the absolute shit out of me. And I welcome it. If you can’t handle me at my most unhinged teenage decisions, then you don’t deserve me at my informed sensible 30-something life choices. 

You’re all so curious about why I moved to Melbourne from Adelaide

I don’t know why this bit of small talk irks me so much. Perhaps it’s because it inevitably brings up things that I don’t want to necessarily talk about on a first date. Jobs that I hated, relationships that were truly awful and an untimely death. It seems innocuous enough and I know I’m guilty of asking similar questions to others, but I wish I didn’t have to answer this one. Saying “work” and “I’ve always loved Melbourne” are both true and always get us through it, but when I’m tired and going through the motions of the chat, some days I just don’t want to deal with this sneaky little trick of question. 

And apparently my job must be ‘really fulfilling’
If I got a dollar for every time I got told that my job sounds ‘really interesting’ and ‘super fulfilling’ then I could probably afford to pay for an on call boyfriend and stop with all this silly dating business. I’m not complaining, I’ll take the compliment, but lately I’ve been wondering if I should start making up different careers just to see what reactions I can pull out of the chats. 

And a little more of the strange, weird, and quirky…

I was once asked if I liked catching pigeons. I’m not sure what answer he was looking for but I’m pretty sure that what I said was wrong (I said that I found them difficult to grab and that I wasn’t interested in catching mites. His face didn’t hide his judgement particularly well).

Recently a man opened a Bumble conversation by joking that the dictionary was the best book he’s ever read. He kept the bit up for 3 days’ worth of conversation (I absolutely encouraged this behaviour). 

Once, multiple times across a 3 hour chat a guy mentioned how much he really likes carwashes. He particularly likes taking his 3-year-old nephew through them. And you know what? I was happy for him. I was glad he found something he really vibed with. Car washes. I just probably only needed to be told once.

But I can’t really talk. I am the girl who once, floating on the delusional high of a building crush that can only come from talking to an incredibly hot man, boldly proclaimed: “I fucking love trains!” 
As the words came out my mouth I thought “oh god, this is it, this is the statement that ends the date…”
But just as quickly as I’d said it, he responded “me too!” 
And I know what you’re thinking, “It’s true love, you found your matching weirdo! What a pity these hilarious posts are set to dry up. I’m happy for you Alicia but can’t you just keep dating to keep things interesting for me, the reader?”

Well dear reader, do not fret. There was no second date. We do, however, regularly see each other around work. But that’s a story for another time.