Will I Ever Be Bey? Part One…

I like to think that I’m pretty brave and pretty smart but there is one thing that continues to leave me doubting myself, time and time again. No matter how hard I try, how much effort I put in or how much booze I consume, I can never get over the deep-seated fear I have about my moves – of the dance variety that is.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m always the first out on the dance floor at a party – but the sprinkler is my go to move, and ain’t no body has ever made the sprinkler look all that sexy (though I do dare you to try and prove me wrong…).
I’ve been to class after class of every style of dance over the years and while I always have fun, I never seem to really get into the swing of it…
I’ve bumbled through a bit of Bollywood, stumbled through a sexy salsa class and have spent the best part of the last year and a half hobbling away from weekly hip hop classes. I’ve got the enthusiasm but if I’m honest with myself, I sure as hell ain’t got the coordination to pull it off.

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This is a thing that happened once when I attempted dancing (yes, I was also drunk at Mardi Gras but there was defs dancing!)
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See – “Dancing”….dammit tequila.

I come from a long line of terrible dancers though– my own dad being a prime example. He has one move, he calls it “washing clothes in the river” and it involves some awkward downward punching. My Grandma was a big fan of line dancing – enough said.
My dance career was doomed by genetics.

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The kind of quality dancing that my genetics allow me…

That being said, I’m always up for a challenge – even if it does mean that I could end up looking like an absolute fool – though I’m assured that this won’t be the case.

I first heard of Bey Dance a year or so ago and ever since then I’ve been keen to jump on board one of their classes. Unfortunately, as being an adult has taught me, life often gets in the way of a good time. It’s taken a while for me to have a chance to find my inner Bey but finally as Adelaide Fringe rolls around, with plenty of dance workshop opportunities with this wonderful crew, I will finally get to do it. Yes, this Saturday I get to fulfil my dream of participating in a Bey Dance class- but I’m scared…what if I make a dick of myself? I’ve done it before (publicly make a dick of myself that is) – we need not mention the unfortunate contemporary dance class I attended last year but suffice to say, struggle was the word of the day. I’ve only heard good things about the Bey Dance classes and the team behind them so I’m gonna put on my big girl pants (actually, a pair of really pretty gym leggings because dressing nicely makes me more motivated to exercise, it’s a genuine strategy…) and I’ll throw my inhibitions out the window and dance my little ass off, not caring how I look. Why? Because I have journalistic integrity and I want to be able to honestly report back to you lovely readers the full Bey Dance experience…and also a little bit because I want to learn to look sassy, fierce and all together ultra sexy next time I hit the dance floor – please help me Bey Dance!

 

Watch this space to find out how I get along…or better yet, come along and give it a go yourself – https://www.facebook.com/events/113948608992395/

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Let’s see if we can improve on this – and be more sober than this…

 

Ten Adeladies You Should Check Out This Fringe…

Have you looked around lately? You’d be crazy not to because this beautiful city of ours is absolutely BRIMMING with talent!

With the Adelaide Fringe Festival taking over the town in the next few weeks, there’ll be endless chances to catch some of the best international and established performers for over a month – but that doesn’t mean you should forget about the locals!

There are heaps of people kicking goals in the Adelaide arts scene – and better yet, plenty of gals representing! It’s tough to make a decision on where to throw your cash but hey, this year how about you throw some of it at a local babe – in an artistic sense that is! So without further ado, here’s my personal list of Adeladies you should see at this year’s Fringe!

To continue reading this post, head on over to http://adelady.com.au/10-adelaides-you-should-see-at-the-fringe/ – also don’t forget to grab tix to my show… available from Fringe Tix!

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My Love Letter to Our Street of Shame

Oh Hindley, you’re the street version of that boy our mothers warned us about; you know, the one that rides a motorbike and is completely covered in tattoos? I mean, I’m sure that he’s a lovely guy, with plenty of great redeeming qualities but on the surface he’s got trouble written all over him!
As a child I was told to stay away from you, words of advice which stayed in the back of my mind through my teenage years, a time in which doing what my mother told me to do was the exact opposite of what I would do. During days which I perhaps should have been in school, my friends and I would wander along your streets with a bounce of rebellious joy in our step, however I was a good girl and waited until I was legally old enough to pay you a visit after the sun set – though I’m sure that I am not the norm! There are so many reasons to love you (and probably more reasons to stay away) but let’s today, agree on ten reasons why I love our street of shame… sure, we all know that you’ve stepped up your game lately, bringing some class to town in the form of your brother and sister streets, but today I want to send all of my love, personally to your filthy self.

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  • A RITE OF PASSAGE: Any Adelaidian worth their salt has trod Hindley’s somewhat grubby path at some point or another, sometimes more frequently than others and as we grow up a bit, probably only on the odd occasion. Okay, it hasn’t always been a smooth relationship; there have been mornings after the night before in which I can personally blame Hindley for the terrible feeling that left me stuck in bed –making frequent friends with that emergency bucket that everyone keeps in their laundry. We’ve all been there – right?!
  • CHEAP AND NASTY – IN ALL THE RIGHT WAYS:
    I like to think that those days are in my past, the days when I could be enticed through a door with the promise of $3 vodkas, not even giving credence to the idea that the alcohol content was probably less than what you can find in a bottle of food colour – though sometimes the idea of taking advantage of those kinda drink specials is pretty tempting. Can you still even get a drink for that much? Shows how long it’s been since I dropped by Hindley I guess!
  • NEVER A DULL MOMENT: We’ve all got stories to tell – if we can remember them! I’ve got a mate who got kicked out of The Dog and Duck for taking off his pants on the dance floor; according to him he was helping out some ladies on a Hens Night, they had been tasked with collecting a pair of men’s underwear at some point in the night. They managed to get them before he was evicted, though – and props to those flirty minxes, I’m sure they tried plenty of blokes who had more sense than my buddy before they found him.
  • THE GREAT EQUALISER: I’ve seen beautiful girls eat pizza they found on the floor of Australia’s Pizza House (I can promise, as much as I love food, this definitely wasn’t me!) and probably those same girls, struggling to find a bathroom get creative and use a gutter. The guys aren’t exempt here either; let me repeat, a gutter is never an okay toilet option, regardless of gender. Unless you’re on Hindley, I guess? No, it’s probably still not okay. My point here; Hindley can make even the beautiful people into an embarrassing mess, and as someone who feels like an embarrassing mess most of the time, I say thank you.
  • YOU MAKE ME FEEL CLEAN: Okay, hear me out, I know you’re thinking; “How can one feel clean when immersed in such filth?” well it’s all about perspective dear friends. In comparison to the grime on Hindley, my own messy abode seems like a designer home you’d find in a magazine spread. I’ve visited Hindley on Saturday and Sunday mornings– for various work related activities (completely above board, trust me!) and the stench it produces is almost unfathomable. There are probably sewage plants that smell of roses in comparison, and since my own home has never stooped to this level, I can at least feel better about myself!
  • YOU’RE FULL OF PERSONALITY:
    I have a theory – if Hindley Street were a girl, she’d be Kim Kardashian; everyone is always talking about her (though not necessarily in the best way) – but at least everyone has a story to tell about her. If Hindley was a guy though, he’d definitely be one you’d stay away from, for fear of catching something that you’ll never be able to rid yourself of…
  • LOVE IS IN THE AIR:
    Boys and girls alike may recall (if they can remember at all, you’ve been known to cause people temporary amnesia it seems…) being lucky enough to score their first kiss when frequenting one Hindley Streets venues – and though I hope most people have better memories of their first kiss than that, but well done for making dreams come true – I guess?
  • I WANNA MARRY A COWBOY:
    Surely we’ve all had a fantasy about meeting a sexy cowboy, right? Hollywood has shown us a skewed version of reality and much as Hindley tries to make our dreams come true by bringing the country to town at The Woolshed, surely I’m not the only one whose woken up to realise that that sheep tag covered akubras aren’t as sexy as they seemed on the haze of the dance floor?
  • YOU MAKE ME SWEAT: And not because the heavy police presence makes me nervous, or because many of the cops on the beat are damned fine (and who would say no to a man in uniform?!) but because I can always find a place to dance when I visit Hindley! Dancing can burn up to 500 calories per hour (so the Google machine tells me…) and I can only assume (because I’m not an expert in any field what so ever) that doing it in heels burns even more. Add to that the walks between multiple venues and you’ve got yourself an intense workout – just ignore the fact that you’re consuming empty calories all night and you can basically consider yourself a fitness guru, update your career status to ‘fitness blogger’ ladies because you know everything there is to know about working it out!
  • I’M SEXY AND HINDLEY DON’T YOU KNOW IT:
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Me. Four years ago. A misspent youth.

I’m a massive dag but give me an excuse to dress up and I’ll be there. As the great Canadian poet, Shania Twain once said;

“Men’s shirts-short skirts

Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin’ it in style

Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction

Color my hair-do what I dare

Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel

Man! I feel like a woman!”

Hindley, thanks for having my back when I need an excuse to bring the hem line up and slip on those ankle-breaking heels – just once in a while!

Adelaide Halloween Costumes on a (Very Tight) Budget

Halloween is once again just around the corner and like every year the pressure is on to come up with a unique costume that doesn’t break the bank. With that in mind, and not forgetting the fact that Halloween is supposed to be scary, may I present you my very own list of Adelaide themed Halloween Costumes on a (very tight) Budget!

Embrace your inner balls…

Grab some balls, wrap em in alfoil and holy shit, you’re the most iconic location in Adelaide. The bigger the balls, the better – mine are small because I’m lazy.

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Wrap em and get playin…

Costume requirements: Aluminium foil and your imagination…

Scare Factor: it all depends on how dirty yer balls are.

I’m a (slutty) pig – duh.

Second only to the balls, the pigs are surely the most regularly mounted attraction in the mall. Ensure that you get all the attention you deserve this all hallows eve – slut it up or play it down, the choice is totally yours.

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oink?

Costume requirements: I used post-it notes because I am poor.

Scare Factor: Depends how much you embrace your inner-pig

I’m a serial killer – duh.

It’s Adelaide. Apparently serial killers are everywhere. Mess with people even more, just come dressed like you do everyday.

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This is how I look at work everyday (except I brushed my hair and put make-up on), but y’know, I could totally be a murderer. You would never know…

Costume Requirements: None. Dress normally. Idiots will think you’re too lazy to bother with a costume, socially aware Adelaidians will know better. Feel free to add validity by hiding weapons (fake, of course) in your bag / car / dungeon – I mean basement.

Scare factor: watch Wolf Creek and Snow Town and then we can talk.

Uhm Can I Speak to the Manager? AKA The Burnside Mum

Spotted around the Eastern Suburbs but only in the right places, this woman is scary as fuck. You do not want to grow up to be her but you can take the piss out of her.

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“Pretty Woman” wig noted.

Costume requirements: You could fully commit and get one of those terrible hair-cuts or you could just use a wig. Incidentally this is the same wig I use to dress as Lady Gaga and ‘Pretty Woman’ so, y’know. Add a pearl necklace (the kind you can buy in a jewellery shop) for authenticity. I got mine from my ex-boyfriend. Incidentally he bought the same one for his mum which I feel says a lot about our relationship.

Scare factor: Have you ever worked in retail? These people are the stuff of nightmares.

Clipsal Fan

Give up on life and you’re half way there. Add a flannelette shirt and you’re almost set…the final touch is forcibly removing a few teeth to complete the look.

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I actually drank West End for this. legit.

Costume requirements: As above. You can only drink West End for the entire night, which probably isn’t the only downside of this costume…just, try to keep the racist comments to a minimum, okay?

Scare factor: petrifying to anyone who looks at you the wrong way…

Glenelg

The name is a palindrome, it’s the same backwards and forwards – and yes I am grasping as straws here. But you too can be the same backwards and forwards if you just try….

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It’s my face on the back of my head. How could you go wrong?!

Costume requirements: Stick a photo of your own face to the back of your head. Walk with pride. Also a name badge that says Hannah…or…Glenelg, I guess..

Scare factor: I guess this depends on whether people like seeing your face twice or if once is enough…

Sports Fans…

Look, I’m not a sporty person…so passionate sports fans kinda…scare me. They don’t even have to try but recently it’s gotten even worse; Crows fans can’t seem to let go of all the fact that some of their key players are leaving and they’re a bundle of emotion. Heart break and anger can do frighting things to a person, just one of the many reasons to be afraid of sports fans.

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I “borrowed” this mug from a co-worker. Borrowed.

Costume requirements: Sports…stuff. Head to your local op shop for a cheap deal on Port Adelaide merch,as I’m sure many of their ‘true fans’ have jumped off the bandwagon after the season they had.

Scare factor: Did you see Twitter when they officially announced that Dangerfield was leaving?Have you ever sat in the members’ area when the wrong team is winning? I rest my case.

All of my friends…

Leaving Adelaide is just so…Adelaide. You find yourself in your 20s and suddenly there is no worse place to be than Adelaide – apparently. So everyone packs their bags and high tails the fuck out. It’s almost iconic.

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Bye bitches. Taken on a Monday night…I was getting lazy by this point.

Costume requirements: Packed bags and a look of enthusiasm that’ll come in handy when Melbourne’s winter hits hard.

Scare factor: Terrifying. Basically I just want my friends to stop abandoning me.

Myths About Adelaide: The True and The False

With rumours, myths and common misconceptions about our fair city — Adelaide residents have heard it all.

We grew up living in a city whose signature dish is a meat pie floating in pea soup, and where our major road is designed to only go in one direction. We know that even the craziest of ideas are possible. So when facts are more ridiculous than fiction – who can blame the uneducated *cough* interstate *cough* masses for taking tall tales as gospel.

Don’t be ashamed though Adelaide – let’s wear our weirdness with pride and explore the truth behind the rumours that the mean girls like to spread – and yeah, we’re looking at you and Sydney and Melbourne!

Head to Adelady to read the rest of the post…

10 People You’ll Meet on a South Australian Wine Tour

My second post on the FABULOUS Adelady has gone LIVE – read a little teaser here…

Living in Adelaide we’re lucky to be surrounded by some of the best wine regions in the world and boy — don’t we know it! You’d be hard pressed to find a South Aussie who hasn’t indulged in a local wine tour and I’m sure we’ve all got stories to tell. I was once part of a group that featured a girl dressed in a dinosaur onesie. Let me explain,  she’d been at a dress-up party the night before, had accidentally locked herself out of her flat and didn’t have a chance to get changed before the tour. Her hangover kicked in at about 2pm and it was game over.  While that was probably a unique occurrence, you’ll always find plenty of interesting characters on wine tours which is what makes them so much fun.. With that in mind, I present my top ten…

To continue reading, head on over to http://adelady.com.au/10-people-youll-meet-on-an-sa-wine-tour/ where this post was originally published!

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Adelaide I love you but (sometimes) you’re bringing me down…

Isn’t it funny how sometimes the same reason that you hate a thing, a person, or a place can be the exact same reason that you love them?
When I was younger, I hated Adelaide; I hated this small town, with its quiet streets and familiar places. I hated the cliquey nature of all the social groups and I hated that it was impossible to hide – anywhere you went, you would always bump into someone to know. Everyone has these random, ridiculous stories of whom they bumped into and where – sometimes even on the other side of the world; every single Adelaidian has surely uttered the phrase: “ahh, Adelaide”. It’s always followed by a cautious chuckle, of course.
All these things though, can also be brilliant attributes for our wonderful town. Last night I fell head over heels in love with this beautiful town, all over again.
I’d been having a pretty crappy day and anyone who knows me certainly knows that when I’m saying I had a bad day, there is no exaggeration there. It was the kind of day that in which I was thankful that there are plenty of packing crates stacked up in the warehouse outside my office – they’re perfect to hide behind when you’re on the verge of crying or so full of rage that even the friendliest of soul better not cross your path. I felt like rubbish.
After work I was aimlessly wandering around the Central Market Coles, buying chocolate that I didn’t need – claiming it was ‘a gift for someone’ – yeah, I’m a terrible liar.
Feeling sorry for myself, dazed and confused, I hear over my shoulder; ‘Alicia’ – immediately I turned my head to see my beautiful, wonderful friend Sophie. She’s amazing – the kinda girl that can always make me feel better when I’m feeling down – and I quote “you’re a mutha fucking babe and lots of guys wanna touch your butt” – thanks sweetie, I know I can always rely on you to make me feel wonderful!
So she’s there and I realise I’ve got about 45 minutes to kill before I have to be anywhere. She’s walking to dinner to meet her friends (after stopping by home to drop off the toilet paper she’s just bought – yes, we are adults and make adult purchase decisions sometimes) and do I want to walk with her? Yes. I need her wise words of wisdom in my life – even if they mostly include pointing out that many of the people we encounter in our lives are indeed absolute dicks.
We walk to the pub and I’ve still got fifteen minutes to kill, so I go in with her. Almost straight away I walk into a friend from high school. We chat, Sophie’s friends walk in. Sophie’s friends know my friend.
Welcome to Adelaide – where you’re never alone, all you have to do is leave the house and this beautiful city will open up her arms and hold you in a sweet, (sometimes intrusive, invasive and furiously bitchy) sweet embrace.

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Gorgeous image from here; https://craftyanddevious.wordpress.com/tag/radical-craft-adelaide/page/3/

Running up that hill

Over the weekend I ran up a hill. No not metaphorically like this;

But that was as good an excuse as any to have a sing along – I mean who doesn’t love a bit of Kate Bush? I know that I’ll always feel all the feels as I ponce around to her tunes – I mean I’m more into Babooshka but we’ll save that for another time. Now that we’re past that I should probably confess that most of the running actually occurred when we were going downhill, and I’m gonna go with it being more of a mountain than a hill (if only to make myself feel better)…

If you’re from Adelaide, you’ll know what I’m talking about – the old Mt Lofty climb, sure it’s no Everest but it’s just as busy – if not more so (based on my extensive knowledge of the foot traffic on Everest *cough*). For the young and young at heart, the fit and the non-so fit, the Lorna Jane clad and the curiously clothed (yes, I saw a dude wearing skinny jeans and a chick in a maxi dress and runners) this fitness trend is one that all Adelaide-ians seem to be getting around. You’re hard pressed to find a car park at Waterfall Gully -a.k.a base camp, so you might need to park a bit further away and extend your journey a bit – but that shouldn’t really matter if you’re there for the fitness. If it’s just a selfie at the top of the hill for your Instagram account (with the words #blessed and #fitspo in the description) that you’re after then you might just want to drive to the top – yes, that is actually an option, although you may be forgiven for thinking otherwise considering how busy the path can get. This walk isn’t one for the faint hearted. Sure, by all means give it a go – but don’t come crying to me when your legs feel more like jelly than human flesh and even the most basic daily tasks are an arduous chore. I mean you can, but I won’t be giving you sympathy.
I should know – my weekend stroll was my first attempt in around three years – it took that long for the trauma to fade. Sure, my friend and I took the long way (via Chambers Gully) and yes we did actually run down part of it, so I have no one to blame except myself but let me have a moment…MY WHOLE BODY WANTED TO CRY TEARS OF PAIN FROM EVERY WHERE IN THE AFTERMATH OF THIS ‘WALK’.
So now we’ve dealt with that, let me say that it is indeed a lovely walk – a bitch to every leg muscle (and some other muscles as well actually…) but whatever. I do like to think I’m fairly fit, so please don’t judge me too much for my little whinge. I’ll do it again but lemme say a few things first;

People (mainly ladies) who are nearing the top, wearing full make-up and barely a drop of sweat – SCREW YOU

People – some as old as my grandparents, overtaking 24 year old me as I crawl to the top – SCREW YOU

The ones with beats pumping in their skulls, tackling it on their own – SCREW YOU

Annnnnnd I guess it’s time to be adult because when I say ‘screw you’, it’s actually ‘good on you, you’re flippin awesome’ – it’s just that when you’re covered in sweat, every muscle is screaming out in pain and your stomach is rumbling with hunger pains, then ‘screw you’ seems to be the best response to anyone coping better than you. Except for the women wearing full faces of make-up, they actually need to check themselves before they, y’know, wreck themselves.

Call me crazy but you know what? I think I might do it again next week – or at least some kind of physical exercise…stay tuned for more (and yes, I will also do a write up of The Art of Asking at some point…)

The view from the top of Mt Lofty - not too shabby at all!
The view from the top of Mt Lofty – not too shabby at all!

I’m going to tell you a secret…

I just got back from Melrose and I’m already fantasising about going straight back. Melrose, never heard of it? That’s okay, I’m sure you’re not alone – it’s one of South Australia’s best kept secrets.
I can’t remember the first time I went there – it would have been when I was pretty young. My parents have always loved this little gem of a town – and who can blame them?! It’s about a three hour drive from Adelaide, located in the Southern Flinders Ranges with a population of no more than 500. Idyllic, spiritual, relaxing, warm and inviting are words that spring to mind when describing this gorgeous town – but it’s also absolutely thriving. As a mecca for the Australian mountain biking community with some of the best (so I’m told) trails in the country, barely a weekend goes by when there aren’t tourists in town for that very reason. Expertly supported by the team from Over The Edge, mountain biking is going great guns in this town. This is the thing, (apart from the general serenity) that drew my parents here. Just over a year and a half ago, my somewhat unconventional parents decided to have a bit of a ‘tree change’ – sell up their near city home, quit their jobs and move up to Melrose full time.

Isn't it glorious? The view from atop one of the nearby hills
Isn’t it glorious? The view from atop one of the nearby hills
Tiff making her way across the swinging bridge as we adventured off!
Tiff making her way across the swinging bridge as we adventured off!

It’s been a bit of a process, it certainly hasn’t happened over night – there’s been a lot of hard work, sacrifice, sweat, tears and deliberation throughout the journey (which is still a real work in progress) however things are finally starting to take some kind of recognisable state. Many of their friends have called them crazy – why sell up a successful business and a nice house, quit a good job and move three hours out of the city?! Especially now the kids have finally moved out?! Good thing my parents don’t pay too much heed to the opinions of others – if they did then they probably wouldn’t be chasing their dreams and how dull life would be! Mum and Dad are planning to build accommodation specifically for mountain bikers – Dad can go on epic rides every day and Mum can indulge some of her artistic talents (she’s always been fantastic at whatever art or craft project she decides to take on; spray painting, stenciling, water colour, lead lighting – the list is almost endless! )

Mum and Dad's yard - there is still work to be done but I have no doubt it will be amazing before we know it!
Mum and Dad’s yard – there is still work to be done but I have no doubt it will be amazing before we know it!
Did I mention that they fed us well too?!
Did I mention that they fed us well too?!

Me? I’m stoked. I can go on holidays to one of the most beautiful little towns in the world (big call, but valid) and I’ve got parents who aren’t afraid to do what makes them happy – which is surprisingly rare in a society where people are constantly striving to impress one another with their new boat, fancy sports car or new fangled electronic device. They’re bold and brave but certainly not crazy. Inspiring is a word that springs to mind. Sure, they don’t know that it’s going to work out but they’ve got a drive and passion that many would kill for. I envy the faith that they have in themselves to follow their dream and know that if they simply love what they’re doing, and do what they love, they’ll find a way to make it work.

Cards Against Humanity - the least appropriate game to play with family. Luckily my family aren't like a normal family!
Cards Against Humanity – the least appropriate game to play with family. Luckily my family aren’t like a normal family!

We had a great time there this weekend; drinking (a fair bit…there are some great local wineries!), playing card games, going for relaxing walks and not so relaxing bike rides (there are very family friendly options available too!). We drank at both pubs (there’s plenty of variety!), had coffee at one of the three little cafes, browsed some of the gorgeous little shops and very quickly got in to the laid back swing of things. I couldn’t think of a better way to have spent my long weekend!

Mum and Dad’s accommodation should be ready later this year – I’ll post links once they’re up and running because this gorgeous little town is one that absolutely everyone and anyone should pay a little visit – we can just pretend it’s a secret!

P.S. – I spent some of the weekend reading the amazing book ‘The Art of Asking’ by the wonderful Amanda Palmer – I’ll probably talk about that in my next post so stay tuned xx