This is How You Adult (Apparently)

Tomorrow I turn twenty six. Today I went to work wearing a purple tutu, unicorn jumper and a flower wreath in my hair. Instead of the customary birthday office cake (usually from Costco or made by a loving wife) I took honey crackles. Partially because I don’t have a Costco membership or a loving wife but also because I am a big ‘old, silly ‘old kid at heart.
As I sit here writing this, I’m wearing my unicorn pyjama pants (which I also wore to the supermarket yesterday…) and keeping warm with my purple hippo heat bag. Am I doing this adult thing right? Because when I was 16 (that’s TEN years ago) this isn’t how I imagined it.

Oh yeah, mermaid leggings too.

I had this idea in my mind of what I would be like as an ‘adult’ and, though I’m not sure why, this certainly wasn’t it. I pictured power suits, late nights at the office and a house full of furniture from Freedom (because it was pretty, heaps pretty). I don’t know where my idea of adulthood came from but I remember thinking, aged 18, that I only had a few good years to keep wearing my classic Converse Chuck Taylors before it became silly – real adults wear real adult shoes. Seriously WHO RAISED ME?
Flash forward eight years and I’m dating a man (yes, MAN) who is thirty years old and those are basically the only shoes he owns, like twenty eight pairs of them or something. For some reason I pictured a corporate high flyer with who woke up early to go to the gym and enjoyed visiting farmers markets on Sundays – just for kicks.
Now somebody please slap past me because I’m pretty sure she had absolutely no idea who she actually was – the things that she enjoyed or wanted from life. I don’t like waking up early and while farmers markets are alright, I’d rather my food be prepared by someone else before it hits the table (I’m also fairly partial to the kind of specials that fast food outlets spin from time to time, yes I’m looking at you Maccas and your magnificent 24 nuggets for $9.95 deal) so why in hell would I want to date someone who was into those things? Sure, his bod would probably be a little more in check than my fellas (gosh, sorry babe) but the fact of the matter is that he’d probably be a self absorbed asshole and we’d have nothing in common. Plus, I could never date anyone more in shape than myself, I’ve got enough insecurities without having my physical superior lying next to me in bed every night.

If I dated a health nut, all this beauty would be off the table. Like in the bin. How sad.

Thing is, not much has turned out the exact way I imagined it ten or so years ago and for that, I am so bloody thankful. I can’t imagine being stuck in a high flying corporate job where I go through as many pairs of stockings as there are jerks on Tinder (lots) or have to put my fakey professional attitude on all day long. I’m lucky to have a job where I get to have a nice fancy big computer screen that brings out envy in all the other staff, where I get to be myself for the most part and in some ways express myself creatively.
I am an adult, a ‘real adult’. Most of the time I pay my bills and I’ve even got a couple of ‘signature’ dishes up my sleeve (because Mexican food is easy to make and Banoffee pie seems fancy but really is truly simple). I’ve gotten pretty good at looking after my mental health, I can force myself to exercise and I eat spinach without it having to be hidden in my food.
I might not own a ‘power suit’ and while I do have some rather nice office wear, I’m most comfortable in a scuffed up pair of boots, the ones that are held together with a bit of tape. I’m happy. Way happier than I would be if I lived up to what I had thought I was ‘supposed to be’ all those years back. I’m glad I didn’t waste long trying to be someone who would have never made me happy – and the time that I did spend doing that was an interesting learning experience to say the least (if not some good comedy fodder…)
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve just started learning to hula hoop and I’m getting rather good so I’ll be practicing that until I fall asleep.

Ten Things I Know to Not be True, A.K.A Lies I Tell Myself

  • On any morning while squeezing into skinny jeans; “Oh these jeans have always been tight…”
  • When deciding if I need another drink on a Saturday night; “I’ll just drink some water before I go to bed, that’ll balance this out…”
  • Whilst suffering on a Sunday morning / afternoon / evening; “hung over is a state of mind”
  • Whilst deciding what to order for lunch; “Chicken burgers are just as delicious as beef…”
  • Most days at work; “Facebook stalking my ex-boyfriends new girlfriends teenage sister who seems to have a more active social life than I do, is a productive use of my time”
  • When mourning the most recent loss from my herb garden; “Just because I can’t keep a plant alive, doesn’t mean I can’t keep a pet alive. Heck, I could even manage to not kill a child if I had to…”
  • Most days – both at work and in free time; “people understand and respect my choice to dress for comfort over style”.
  • Most days, when making questionable television viewing choices; “Watching reality TV actually makes me a better person, because it teaches me what kind of person I shouldn’t be”.
  • When driving, anywhere, any time; “people think you’re talking on your Bluetooth device and not singing along to the Spice Girls, they’re just looking at you strangely because they are wondering why such a gorgeous specimen chooses to drive herself, rather than having a chauffeur”.
  • Every night after dinner; “I’ve been to the gym at least once this week and thinking about going a second time burned at least some calories so I’ve earned, neigh, I am entitled to eat this double fudge choc brownie, and the ice cream will actually help me burn more calories, because it’s cold and it takes more energy to digest cold food”.
Sequined Ugg boots combine both style and comfort - with a pair of these I will be able to rule the (fashion) world.
Sequined Ugg boots combine both style and comfort – with a pair of these I will be able to rule the (fashion) world.