Ten Thoughts I’ve Had While Moving House

Hello Internet, I am moving house! Probably not news if you’re my Facebook friend though, since I’ve posted about 50 million status updates attempting to give away my furniture over the course of the last five weeks but that’s beside the point (however if you’re after a queen sized bed frame or a lounge, hit me up!). I digress.
Moving sucks. It sucks the big one. I’ve only been in this place for three years but I managed to accumulate so much crap (okay a lot of it was left here by my ex – a.k.a he of poor taste and excessive amounts of novelty aprons) SO. MUCH. CRAP.
I would estimate that I’ve taken around 25 garbage bags worth of stuff (that is probably not actual crap) to the op shop and chucked around 10 bags straight into the bin. Aren’t humans terrible consumption machines?
Once again, I digress. So here are some of the things that have popped into my mind as I’ve trawled through it all…

  • I don’t have much stuff, I can totally fit my entire life into my Ford Fiesta.
  • Actually would two moving vans be excessive? Better make it three for good luck.
  • I’ll need to get rid of some clothes, this should only take an hour or so…*five hours later* “can someone please cut me out of my year 12 formal dress? It seems I gained some weight at some stage in the last seven years”
  • Ohh look it’s the diary I kept from the age of 14 to 16, this should be filled with all kinds of juicy memories…*three hours later* “Okay, I was either the most boring teenager in the world or incredibly paranoid that my parents would read this…I’m hoping it was the latter”
  • OMG I loved this top when I was twelve, I wonder if it still fits. Yep, fits. I sure was a chubby twelve year old. Tie dyed dolphin t-shirts are cool, don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.
  • Hmm does out of date medication still work? And is it okay if it has someone else name on it?
  • I wonder if old Kinder Surprise toys are worth anything?
  • PAUSE – sorry, I zoned out for a bit, I was watching the Spice Girls movie on VHS. I still have a video plays – how crazy is that?!
  • Who was Richard and why do I have a pair of ladies underwear with ‘his’(?) name on the tag?
  • Hmmm do you think people would pay actual money for an urn full of Grandma’s ashes? Also, why do I have an urn labelled ‘grandmas ashes’ – both my Grandma’s are alive…


Why I was basically a better human when I was sixteen…

Recently, whilst searching for my favourite purple wig, I stumbled upon an archive that I hadn’t seen for a few years – my year 11 school diary. This artefact spans a year in my life for which I was sixteen years old for the first half and seventeen for the second – turbulent years for most, myself included but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t filled with wisdom – the kind of which can really only be recognised with a hell of a lot of hindsight. Thumbing through the pages of my regulation school diary – which I, against the official rules, decorated to within an inch of its life, I began to realise that the younger version of myself actually had a lot of smart stuff goin on that twenty five year old Alicia and likely many other so called adults could probably learn from…

  • She readily and happily took the piss out of herself
Page one of my year 11 school diary - curiously with a picture of the school principal?
Page one of my year 11 school diary – curiously with a picture of the school principal?

See page one – the introduction for anyone who dared open my school diary; not only do I describe myself as ‘awesome’ and ‘hot’ (two things I don’t actually remember myself believing at the time), I also include a photo of myself stuck in a toy display at Ikea. Now I’ve never had any trouble ‘taking the piss’ out of myself – in fact it’s clearly one of my favourite past times. Let me repeat: I have no shame. This isn’t a common trait in a lot of adults though – and I’m so sick of meeting people who take themselves too seriously. Life was meant to be fun – if you’re not having fun, you’re wasting your time.

  • An unwavering love for only one man
The one love of my life, Alex Turner. Any man who makes me feel the way he did age 16 will immediately need to become my husband...
The one love of my life, Alex Turner. Any man who makes me feel the way he did age 16 will immediately need to become my husband…

On page two you’ll find a countless of pictures of one man (oh and his band mates) covered in silver hearts and lipstick marks. Younger me had it bad for Alex Turner from The Arctic Monkeys and let’s be honest, 25 year old Alicia wouldn’t turn him down. Seeing this reminds me of how my heart ached with love (or lust?) for him, hearing his (admittedly heinous) accent through the speakers in my bedroom stereo. The lesson here? Never settle for a love that is any less than the rock star crush that your teenage self had.

  • Friends were everything
When you're a teenager absolutely NOTHING is more important than your friendships - maybe something to be learnt there?
When you’re a teenager absolutely NOTHING is more important than your friendships – maybe something to be learnt there?

As our lives get busier and supposed priorities – like careers and new love interests get in the way, sometimes we can find ourselves neglecting friendships. My teenage self would have never done this and while sometimes her time would have been better spent studying or figuring out some realistic life goals, she always had her friends to lean on. As adults, sometimes our real friendships slip away. Please make sure that there is still time for real friends – the kind that will let you cry on their shoulder and snot in their hair (if you really must).

  • Fat thighs were a secondary consideration
Apparently I consumed this many lollies in one week. My dentist is one of my biggest fans...
Apparently I consumed this many lollies in one week. My dentist is one of my biggest fans…

As a teenager I was lucky to have a really good and positive body image. I know that this certainly wasn’t the case for most of my peers and as I’ve gotten older I’ve began to relate to what they were going through. While it’s not always at the forefront of my mind, I must admit that I do spend probably too much time thinking about how I look. I love a good hamburger but the thought of the fat cells on my ass is never far from my mind – sad but true. Sixteen year old me would not stand for that shit – she was pro food and while she had a terrible attitude to exercise (which I have now rectified), it wouldn’t hurt to invite her and her attitudes to dinner a little more regularly.

  • She had a hell of a lot of ambitions
I wrote a list of '50 THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE' - which ended up growing to like 150. There was a lot that I wanted to do I guess...
I wrote a list of ’50 THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE’ – which ended up growing to like 150. There was a lot that I wanted to do I guess…

There were lots of things that I wanted to do in life and all of a sudden being an adult got in the way. My goals have changed as I’ve aged, I think they’ve certainly gotten a hell of a lot less ambitious, also there are less of them and actually that’s kinda sad. Young Alicia surely lacked direction and had a wild and ridiculous imagination – but what’s wrong with that? Who was gonna tell me that I couldn’t direct an Academy Award winning movie (number 6) or write a children’s book with underlying drug references (number 42) or even make my parents proud (legitimately number 39 on the list)? Looking over the list, I’ve actually achieved some of the stuff that my young self thought would be really cool – joined dance classes, attended protests, performed stand-up comedy, travelled and made vodka jelly (some dreams weren’t as big as others) – so who’s to say that I can’t make more of my dreams come true, if I can actually dream them?

  • …and her dreams weren’t always smart or noble…and that was okay
Offshore bank account say what?!
Offshore bank account say what?!

And some of the stuff on my list was ridiculous – but what’s wrong with that? In a world where we’re always indulging in self-promotion, trying to make ourselves seem like ‘the best version of a human that we can be’ or some crap like that, I think we can become far too self-indulged. We’re too busy trying to make it seem like we’re making the world a better place and get so wrapped up in our own image that we actually become the kinda douche bags that make the world painful. Maybe if we could all indulge the idea that we don’t always have to be the gift that the world needs, the world might actually benefit – somehow? At least the douche bag factor would decrease.

  • She made time for herself
I always made sure that I had my mums signed permission before taking a day off.
I always made sure that I had my mums signed permission before taking a day off.

Taking a day off school to go to a music festival was more than acceptable but many of us struggle to allow ourselves time off from our busy (paid) jobs to do things that we love. Sometimes you just need to take it off and enjoy something. Hopefully you work in an understanding environment and if you don’t then maybe you need to consider changing things up because you don’t want to be like those unfortunate girls who missed seeing My Chemical Romance at the 2007 Big Day Out… which wasn’t me because I took the day off school. Yeah.

  • Her priorities were mostly right
Yah - priorities!
Yah – priorities!

A printed version of a MySpace quiz that I did at the time shows that it’s important to be annoyed by important things. While every other item on my list, other than my first is kinda selfish, the first item ‘ignorance’ is kinda vital. These days if someone asked what annoyed me, I’d probably say something pathetic like ‘bills’ ‘traffic’ or ‘people who don’t clean up their sweat at the gym’ – but younger Alicia’s concern with ignorance was kinda important. With mass communication at our finger tips, we all seem to spend a lot of time whinging these days, maybe we should whinge about more important issues than bad coffee though.

  • She spent her money on better things than alcohol
Skinny bitches drink...tea?
Skinny bitches drink…tea?

I bloody well loved tea – and I still do. Imagine how much better my world would be if I never had the idea to mix booze into my tea (by which I mean delicious summer tea cocktails, not spiked English Breakfast during my morning break). I’d probably have more money in my bank account but that being said, I certainly wouldn’t have a lot of the ridiculous experiences that have made me who I am today!

  • She didn’t overload herself
Check out all my obligations...
Check out all my obligations…and yeah, cool kids go bowling. 

While this may not have been an accurate reflection of what I did do on that particular week, this page struck me. I know I had a lot more free time as a kid – that’s what being a kid is about but I think as adults we should probably find a bit more free time for ourselves. I have a lot of hobbies, passions and pre-occupations and while these are the things that make me who I am – they are what makes me happy and keeps me going, bloody hell I do a lot. Sometimes I probably need to be more like my lazy ass teenage self and indulge in watching every John Hughes movie ever in one sitting, just because I owe it to myself.

BONUS IMAGE – I found this piece of art in there (along with many others, if you want to see the other stuff, invite yourself over for dinner.) Just thought y’all might appreciate it…?

It's a thing that happened...
It’s a thing that happened…

Dear Future Husband – not the radio friendly version…

I want to get married. One day – when the right guy comes along. It’s not a religious thing or anything like that; I just really like the idea of getting married (and y’know, having a wedding and all). That being said, I’m not just gonna settle for any old guy and I’m sure that I’m not the only one whose got a list of requirements for their future husband (though I may be the only one daft enough to air them online while I’m still single as all hell). Meghan Trainor released ‘Dear Future Husband’ earlier this year and plenty of feminists (like me) sure do think she got it wrong – I definitely feel like her list should have been a little more realistic…a little more like mine.
Of course I would like all the normal things that anyone would expect of a relationship; respect, love and shared dreams (blah blah blah) – but no one wants to hear about that. You want to hear my obscure diva demands and boy have I got some for you, so without any further hesitation I must present to you the list of 12 requirements (because 12 is my second favourite number, a fact that you WILL know if you wanna put a ring on it) of anyone hoping to wife me;

  • Must choose dogs over cats
    Dogs are superior to cats – it’s a scientific fact. Furthermore, I cannot take a cat man seriously – no disrespect, but these kinds’ guys certainly do not make me feel safe and secure. Much like cats, I feel like a guy who like cats will in fact try to suffocate me in my sleep – and not because he’s strangely abusive but because he has a superiority complex. You know it makes sense.
  • Must be okay with hair
    Please realise that I am not a dolphin. Yes, there are times where my skin will be silky smooth however there will be other times when you will be concerned that I’m turning into a Chia Pet – you know, those things from the 90s that grow sprouts out of them? I will try to regularly keep it all under control but let’s just put it this way, if he’s not willing to be silky smooth as a cyclist (side note; I probs won’t go for a cyclist) then you can’t give me grief for the occasional slip in standards. Basically, if you’re willing to wax your crack on the reg then I’ll consider putting in more effort.
Basically the opposite of me…
  • Must drink (and enjoy) wine
    You’re not a real man if you don’t like wine – well not in my books anyways. I’ve written about it before – but basically, you must enjoy wine. I don’t need you to know everything there is to know about it (but if you do, please note that I don’t really care – and neither does anyone else). Wine is good – take note fellas.
I love wine this much. If this carries on much longer, I might just end up marrying wine. I love it. So much.
  • Must have a star sign that is compatible with mine
    My star sign is Cancer. This means fuck all – except of course when it comes to figuring out with whom I could in fact be compatible. Let’s be honest though, I’ll twist it in my favour if he’s worth it.
  • Must be accepting…
    Of the fact that I’ve already decided on a name for our first born – and our second and third for that matter. Call me crazy (go on, see what happens) but I’ve got some damned good names picked out, so if ya wanna lock this down, just accept the fact that we will not be naming our child after your great-aunt Edna.
  • Must be okay with Nacho Cheese feet
    Sometimes (not often, I promise) my feet smell. There was one particular occasion that they smelled like nacho cheese Doritos. I have no explanation for this but it is a thing that happened and who’s to say that it won’t happen again? Be prepared.
This only happened once, I swear.
  • Must be able to deal with my chronic fatigue paranoia
    I don’t stress much and surprisingly I’m not an overly anxious person but every now and then I convince myself (with no solid evidence) that I’m suffering chronic fatigue. On multiple occasions I have ended up in tears, having a tantrum because I think I have chronic fatigue. I’m fine within a few hours though; just ride out the storm with me, okay?
  • Must understand that carbs are great (and sometimes they are not)
    Don’t make me eat healthy if I don’t want to but don’t make me eat shit food when I’m trying so god damned hard to ‘be good’ – and I swear to god, if you think that you’re gonna have any opinion on what goes into my mouth then you may as well just give up now. This includes edible and non-edible objects, pay attention.
  • Must be able to drive a manual
    It may be a strange measure of man hood but in my mind, real men have the ability to drive a manual. If you can’t drive a car at all, keep on peddling by sweetheart because as hot as your fit bod will probably be, I ain’t gonna dinky on the back of your fixie all the way to your parents house. Oh what was that? We could catch the bus? Been with that guy, done that, those days are in my past buddy.
  • Must not have nicer hair than me
    If your hair is nicer than mine, I will inevitably be intimidated. The inequality that this will cause in our relationship will be too much for either of us will handle and will inevitably end in tears.
  • Must not be too muscular
    Most girls have a type, my type is basically anyone who doesn’t make me feel inadequate (see above…) therefore, if you’re biceps are bigger than my head then it’s probably not gonna work. Don’t get sneaky on me either; I might have to put a clause in our pre-nup.
  • Must get along with my Dad
    My dad is the raddest bloke in the world, closely followed by my brother. They certainly have their flaws – anyone who’s seen my Dad on the dance floor can attest to that however anyone who wants to put a ring on it will need to get along with the main men in my life. The easy thing is that Dad pretty much gets along with everyone but lucky for me he won’t be backwards in telling me if he doesn’t like a guy – believe me, it’s happened before. Oh and some people might think I’m a little bit backwards but I would want a guy to ask my Dad if he was cool with it before asking ME to marry him. I don’t think my Dad needs to give permission as such, but I’d definitely want my Dad to be down with it.

So there you have it – some might call me nuts but I just like to think I’m organised and under control. Trust me ladies, if you don’t think like me you’ll be regretting it down the track when 15 years into the marriage you’re stuck with a cat loving, wine hating body builder with luscious locks flowing in the breeze

Ten More Things I Know to not be True, A.K.A Lies I Tell Myself…While Watching ‘The Bachelor Australia’

  • When my boyfriend walks past, laughing at my house mate and I saying ‘you know this is all fake right’; “No way, this shit is life or death, conflict in Gaza, sanctions on Russia, The Batchelor Australia, all important world issues”
  • The girls are walking in, a few stumble in their sky high heels and floor length gowns; “uh hmm if that was me I’d be gliding in like the elegant swan that I am, not a baby foal talking its first steps…amateurs!”
  • Brilliant, the one who they’ve framed as the ‘crazy stalker’ girl has arrived; “I don’t understand why they’re framing this as weird, singing an out of tune ditty you just wrote to a guy is freakin’ endearing…”
  • All the ladies have made it inside; “It’s okay to pour myself another glass of champagne, the boxing class I did two hours ago is still workin its magic…”
  • Osher Gunsberg comes on to tell us what the white rose means; “It’s not weird, not one bit at all that Andrew G is now called Osher because of a spiritual awakening…you gotta be a spiritual guy to be a presenter on this show…”
  • There’s a cocktail party with ONE MAN and 24 WOMEN; “I got this, I’d totes excel in this situation, no stress, I’d be all like “whatever, all these bitches ain’t got shit on me” and just generally dominate, none of this erratic craziness we’re seeing here…”
  • When it becomes clear that a number of women on this show have unaddressed psychological issues; “Ethics?! Who needs ethics! Making a top notch reality TV series means pushing the limits, even if the contestants are mentally unstable and will inevitably leave worse off than when it started…”
  • While drunk Sam stands looking longingly at Beautiful Blake (or BB as he will henceforth be known); “When trying to get a man’s attention, I’ve never once been that a) creepy b) desperate c) drunk…”
  • Boyfriend walks past again, this time he says ‘ugh, that shows is still on? Do you realise that it’s probably giving you eye cancer?!’; “Uhm has not, in fact it’s clearly increasing my IQ”
  • It’s over; “I literally can’t even. What will I do with myself for the next week until it returns? I may quiet LITERALLY die of withdrawals. What’s that? It’s on again Thursday night? But I have to go to the gym. I will go to the gym and watch the catch up episode online later…I WILL GO TO THE GYM….”
Blake…his looks are open to interpretations but his charm and six-pack are honest and true.

Ten More Things I Know to not be True, A.K.A Health Related Lies I Tell Myself

  • Every Sunday night; “I’m going to eat healthier this week”
  • Monday morning after Sunday night’s health related declaration “Kale is delicious, especially at breakfast…”
  • Every Monday night; “That won’t be the last time I make it to the gym this week…”
  • During every workout session; “Burpees, push-ups and sit-ups are fun”
  • During early morning work-outs; “I am such a morning person, 5.30am is the best time of day, everyone who’s still in bed is really missing out!”
  • Some time, in fact several times mid-week; “I deserve this chocolate because I put in hard work at the gym two days ago…”
  • Friday night; “I’m going to be strong this time around and have an alcohol free weekend”
  • A tiny bit later Friday night; “Gin actually contains herbal properties that are beneficial to my immune system and coupled with tonic water, it’s pretty much a health drink”
  • Later on Friday night; “If I have one water for every alcoholic beverage, it’s like I never even drank in the first place, in fact I’ll end up healthier and be more hydrated in the long run”
  • Saturday morning; “Bacon and eggs with maple syrup is a superfood”
gin and tonic print
The slice of lime counts as fruit….fruit is healthy, right?