I Come From a Proud Family of Liars

If there has been one constant in my life, it would be the lies that I have been fed – regularly and casually by members of my family. Usually they were innocent enough and mostly just off handed jokes that I was gullible enough to fall for. I genuinely believed for a long time that my grandma was a witch. Not JUST because my Mum (her daughter in law) would call her ‘that witch of a woman’ (kidding, they have a great relationship, though there was that one time that my Mum, in her early 20s called the incredibly proper, lovely woman who was to be her mother in law ‘fuckle features’ to her face – but that’s a story for another time). No, I genuinely believed that my grandmother was a witch because there was this HILARIOUS in joke in my family about it. I have literally no idea where it came from because that woman is as God loving as they bloody well come however for some insane reason apparently she was a witch, complete with her very own broom featuring handle bars and a bike seat. I shit you not. So there I was, all of eight years old, waiting to be handed a wand and taught the ways of people and I’m sure you can imagine how bloody disappointed I was, age eleven when I never did receive my letter from Hogwarts. Damn.

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This is me with my witch of a grandma (looks pretty innocent, doesn’t she?) at a dress up party.

I literally had no hope though – turns out liars have been in my family for generations. My great grandparents fudged the date on their marriage certificate. When cleaning out the house after my great grandfather had passed away, my Mum and my aunties found the marriage certificate in question, complete with poorly applied whiteout placed strategically over the date, altering the date of their marriage by two months.  How they thought that they could get away with it is beyond me. I get it, it was a different time, photoshop wasn’t a thing, but shit, Nanna Jarrett must have really been on another planet to think she could sneak that one on by. Even if she had been able to do a half decent job using the stationary her plan would have been thwarted by anyone with a half decent grasp of MATHS and MONTHS. My grandpa was born suspiciously soon after the hastily organised wedding date – that’s all I’m saying team.

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My mum and her sisters, all born into a web of lies.

The lies carried on though, I recall finding a ultrasound picture at my aunties when I was nine. “OH MY GOD YOU’RE HAVING A BABY” I shrieked. “No” she calmly replied, “The cat’s pregnant” which was a weird coincidence because a couple months later my auntie was married and not long after I had a new cousin. Furthermore, the cat suspiciously never had any kittens. EVER.

I’m no innocent bystander here though; I was a mean, mean terrible sister. I lied to my brother heaps. The most memorable, I will never live down. The tale goes as such; I was six years old, nagging my Mum to take my brother and I to the local kindy fete. Nagging, nagging and nagging some more. I do not blame my Mother for what happened next, she was not an irresponsible parent, I was just a really shit child. She snapped and without thinking said; “why don’t you just walk then?”
So off I went, to scrounge up some change (approximately $5) and find my four year old brother so that I didn’t have to walk alone. This was before my brother became a bad ass rule breaker (that didn’t happen until he was at least seven) so I needed to tell a half truth (LIE) to get him to come along. I knew that mum didn’t actually want us to walk. I was smart enough to understand sarcasm, but I still wanted to go, so I just told my darling innocent baby (like actually he was pretty much still a baby) brother that Mum had said it was okay.
Flash forward 45 minutes, Mum notices we’re missing, Dad finds us about 2kms away wandering down Greenhill Road and Mum learned that sarcasm isn’t an ideal parenting technique. I never actually revealed (until now) that I purposely lied to make this happen – so I guess my whole life has been a lie?

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Look how cute we were (okay, the story in question happened a few years later than this photo)

I’ll leave you with this though and that is, sometimes lies are important – or half truths at least. I wish my mum hadn’t told me the truth of how she found out she was pregnant with me, how, after a booze filled weekend in Melbourne she returned to Adelaide and thought “hmmm maybe I am up the duff”, did the test and a few months later – hello, Alicia’s here! It’s all good, I mean she was married, to my Dad (though if she wasn’t that would have been fine – no judgement, obviously) however what I wish she had lied about (a little) was the vomiting in gutters level drinking that she achieved just prior to finding out that she was with child. I mean sure, I’m proud of her, she’s the lady that truly taught me how to party but it’s just that, every time something weird happens in my life, every time my brain is a little bit erratic and I feel unnecessarily violent I wonder if I can blame it on my Mum. Rather than just accepting my own personal failures like a normal person. So Mum, while I love you insane amounts, I wish that one time you had lied because now there is always going to be a little bit of me that feels like I genuinely can blame you for my failings.

 

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Here’s a photo of my mum before I came into her life and made her cool. She is on the right at the front (the only lady in the picture…) and behind her…MY DAD!

 

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Ten More Things I Know to not be True, A.K.A Health Related Lies I Tell Myself

  • Every Sunday night; “I’m going to eat healthier this week”
  • Monday morning after Sunday night’s health related declaration “Kale is delicious, especially at breakfast…”
  • Every Monday night; “That won’t be the last time I make it to the gym this week…”
  • During every workout session; “Burpees, push-ups and sit-ups are fun”
  • During early morning work-outs; “I am such a morning person, 5.30am is the best time of day, everyone who’s still in bed is really missing out!”
  • Some time, in fact several times mid-week; “I deserve this chocolate because I put in hard work at the gym two days ago…”
  • Friday night; “I’m going to be strong this time around and have an alcohol free weekend”
  • A tiny bit later Friday night; “Gin actually contains herbal properties that are beneficial to my immune system and coupled with tonic water, it’s pretty much a health drink”
  • Later on Friday night; “If I have one water for every alcoholic beverage, it’s like I never even drank in the first place, in fact I’ll end up healthier and be more hydrated in the long run”
  • Saturday morning; “Bacon and eggs with maple syrup is a superfood”
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The slice of lime counts as fruit….fruit is healthy, right?

Ten Things I Know to Not be True, A.K.A Lies I Tell Myself

  • On any morning while squeezing into skinny jeans; “Oh these jeans have always been tight…”
  • When deciding if I need another drink on a Saturday night; “I’ll just drink some water before I go to bed, that’ll balance this out…”
  • Whilst suffering on a Sunday morning / afternoon / evening; “hung over is a state of mind”
  • Whilst deciding what to order for lunch; “Chicken burgers are just as delicious as beef…”
  • Most days at work; “Facebook stalking my ex-boyfriends new girlfriends teenage sister who seems to have a more active social life than I do, is a productive use of my time”
  • When mourning the most recent loss from my herb garden; “Just because I can’t keep a plant alive, doesn’t mean I can’t keep a pet alive. Heck, I could even manage to not kill a child if I had to…”
  • Most days – both at work and in free time; “people understand and respect my choice to dress for comfort over style”.
  • Most days, when making questionable television viewing choices; “Watching reality TV actually makes me a better person, because it teaches me what kind of person I shouldn’t be”.
  • When driving, anywhere, any time; “people think you’re talking on your Bluetooth device and not singing along to the Spice Girls, they’re just looking at you strangely because they are wondering why such a gorgeous specimen chooses to drive herself, rather than having a chauffeur”.
  • Every night after dinner; “I’ve been to the gym at least once this week and thinking about going a second time burned at least some calories so I’ve earned, neigh, I am entitled to eat this double fudge choc brownie, and the ice cream will actually help me burn more calories, because it’s cold and it takes more energy to digest cold food”.
Sequined Ugg boots combine both style and comfort - with a pair of these I will be able to rule the (fashion) world.
Sequined Ugg boots combine both style and comfort – with a pair of these I will be able to rule the (fashion) world.