Snag a Snag: The Lazy Girls Eating Guide

Today I stopped by Bunnings just to get a sausage. I wandered in the door to make it look like I had a legitimate reason to be there and all I did was pat a dog (yes, people can and do take their dogs to Bunnings, note to single men out there, take your dogs to Bunnings, it is an excellent place to pick up).

Once I felt like I’d done enough to disguise my reason for visiting, I jumped in line, surrounded by people balancing bags of soil, new plants to shove in their garden and genuine power tools. There I was, empty arms, free hands ready to grab the snag as it was placed in front of me. I certainly didn’t feel even a pang of guilt (okay, maybe just a little…)

You see, the only thing that I’d achieved so far at that stage in the day was getting out of bed, showering (the thoroughness of which could be questioned) and meeting a friend for brunch. Yep, you read that correctly; I ate fancy hipster brunch (I paid $14 for a toasted sandwich that, granted, tasted like it had been carefully constructed by heavenly angels) and as that substantial yet probably overpriced jaffle was still digesting, I took a detour on my way home just so that I could shove a charity snag down my gullet too. $2.50 is what I directed towards the Mile End Rotary Club (I’m not sure of their profit margin, maybe they only made 50c out of that interaction, maybe they pocketed $2).

I think guilt and shame were probably the two biggest things I felt at that moment, closely followed by confusion as to why I felt so strongly about having consumed a sausage in any way at all. Surely I had more important things to be concerned about? Nah not really, it was a Saturday afternoon and I’m a middle class white woman. Sure there are still plenty of challenges facing us but I have a strict “feminism in business hours only” policy (I’ll explain it some time, but it’s the weekend now so I can’t) so I was feeling fairly care free.

One thing I do know about myself is that regardless of how full I am, there are certain things that I will always make room for in my stomach; brie, double brie, triple brie, vintage cheddar with pickled onions, chocolate covered pretzels and Bunnings sausages. So help me God if all of those things are readily available in the one location at the one time.

Should I feel ashamed about the power that my tastebuds hold over me? From an ethical stand point, probably. From a social stand point though? Nah, get stuffed. Life was made for living and Bunnings sausages were made for binging on. There’s just something about them that makes them way better than the snags that you’ll consume at a family BBQ but I just can’t put my finger on it…oh yeah it’s the relative anonymity (if you choose a Bunnings far away enough) and the lack of judgment from Aunty Joan; “If you eat another bite you’ll never look good in a white dress dear.” Oh shut it sugar, at least I’ve still got time to fix myself, you made that mistake 20 years ago sweets – and it wasn’t your ass that was the problem, it was your face. Yeah.

Despite the fleeting confused feelings earlier in the day, at home later I realised; when you can make a microwave meal without double checking the box instructions then you know you’re in a special place in life. You’ve been eating meals of sadness just long enough to be aware exactly how they should be prepared but not long enough to just hit up eat now or Uber Eats every day (that’ll come in about three months time).
I’m not stuck in that place forever but that’s where I found myself today. And shit, they’re getting so good at making meals in a box that I rekon I’ll just stay home and dodge queues at the hardware store – especially if someone starts a delivery service where an average looking guy brings over a dog and lets you pat it and suddenly you think he’s an absolute hunk.

Yeah.

The rap battle to end all others.

Sooooo the weather is coming in a little bit average – that cold wet stuff is falling from the sky and many people are retreating indoors, my friend Moe included. The other day, I ‘innocently’ tweeted him – something about catching up that night or what have you, however, possibly in this chilly, indoor induced boredom he took my friendly tweet as a threat. What followed was an intense all out rap battle (via Twitter). I feel that there was no clear winner (I’m saying this, but deep down I feel that I won) so I’m sharing this with the word to help find a winner. Feel free to comment and let me know who you think won – my comments are in bold (because I’m the boldest, duh). Also to help give you a better idea about who we are, see these pictures that help represent us – first up, Moe;

1511086_697416926968801_680502698_n
He’s the one in the Snow White one and all the ladies make-up, with the drunk guy passed out on top of him…
381620_10150469692242042_1735222925_n
Here he is (once again) partially dressed in women’s clothing…the rest is just….frightening
522773_3585843485381_2094315611_n
Here he is, making fun of a culture that is not his own…what a jerk.
549984_10150633297951588_314096609_n
and here’s an image that may explain what happened to all those missing back packers…

And just to remind you of who I am….

10154964_861118913902574_4467633791855974316_n
Here I am, literally carrying another human person on my back, because I am just that selfless.
1497515_445614268927734_3678856729683338513_n
Here I am, voluntarily delivering an inspirational speech – it was so moving that at the end, a wheelchair bound woman who hadn’t walked for ten years took her first steps…
1620984_758030220884134_4050212739724051012_n
Look at me, I’m classy yet I am still ‘one of the people’…
1625584_10202098005665075_1030162248_n
This one time I brought a dead fox back to life, just by patting it.

Now without further ado, see below for the battle to begin…..

@MoeLiebelt pal, mate, friend, buddy you are so off the mark it’s not even funny

@AliNorts oh daymmmn dis turnin into a rap battle now?! Don’t put your ass on the line, you got no class, if class was in you’d be schooled

@MoeLiebelt ouch that burn was hot but you are not and your rhymes? Get with the times. Mess with me, you’ll fail the test.

@AliNorts test? Please. Don’t mess with the best. You wanna measure up? Get in line with the rest. I’ll watch from the top, feeling blessed

@MoeLiebelt the best you say, don’t make me laugh, your rhymes are so bad even street dogs barf who even writes em? Slave labour staff?

@AliNorts Slavery? That’s all u got? Time for the cot. U think your rhymes r pretty funny? I’ll send u to mummy she’ll give you your dummy

@MoeLiebelt you mentioned my mother, how bout I give a shout to your brother?! Even after tinnies he’s more coherent than you, do I stutter?

@AliNorts dunno if you stutter, nobody’ll notice. It’s me they want surely you know this? So please sit down, enjoy the show miss.

@MoeLiebelt a little bit of modesty can go a long way, it’s a lesson you better learn fast or this miss will make you pay.

@AliNorts miss I think you’re mistaken. These rhymes got you shakin’? Thanks for participatin, but it’s me you’ll be payin’

@MoeLiebelt it ain’t over til I say so, when I’m done you’ll be wailing like you subbed yo toe!

@AliNlorts u stil here? Thought I was alone. Bout time you were shown to the retirement home.

@MoeLiebelt says you old man! You tryin’ to give me the flip? I’m worried you’ll break a hip.

@AliNorts if you weren’t so young I’d flip you the bird. Now have you heard? It’s nap time, hush child, don’t say a word

@MoeLiebelt With youth on my side, I’ll take all your challenges in my stride. I’ll bring the truth and put a dent in your pride.

@AliNorts youth is fine, but on this stage youth ain’t worth a dime. You rhyme so bad it should be a crime deep down u know I ain’t lyin

@MoeLiebelt cut the bullshit and get to the point, I wanna throw your sad sorry ass, outta this joint.

@AliNorts lame, tame Alicia Jane. Don’t be a pain, go play in the rain.

@MoeLiebelt Moe rhymes with hoe, got spend that money on one named joe.

@AliNorts *rolls eyes, face palm* must your rhymes be so calm? All you get is burn like chillies in your lip balm

@MoeLiebelt you want crazy? Well I can go loco, you talentless little mofo.

@AliNorts your sanity we need not mention, knew u were crazy from the moment u stepped in, best step back out and quit your frettin

@MoeLiebelt I’ll never step back, I’ll never back down because unlike you I ain’t no clown.

@AliNorts true. I open my mouth, it’s laughter you’re hearin, but it ain’t at me, it’s for you they feelin

@MoeLiebelt bitch at what you even playin?! If you spoke less words maybe more girls you would be layin…..

@AliNorts and if you think less bout me layin and more bout your words you’d be more than just playin you’d be here to be heard

@MoeLiebelt hear me loud, hear me clear, if you don’t get a lady soon, we’ll start to think you’re queer

@AliNorts I hear hate speech, please mate don’t preach. Your homophobia ain’t adorable it’s dumb’n damn deplorable

@MoeLiebelt fine, for that I apologise but quit kiddin, no more lies. You need to get it together bro, not soon but pronto!

@AliNorts I’m together, I’m with it, you see for me the sky’s the limit. But from you I hear no wit just tired tit bits

@MoeLiebelt You call me tired? I’m wide awake and with what I could drop, you should be ready to quiver and shake.

@AliNorts a shake would be nice, and some fries. It’s comfortable here watching you try

@MoeLiebelt either way I”m doing better than you, it’s as if you’ve given up, admit defeat, you know it’s true.

@AliNorts I’m not defeated it’s you who’s retreated. You’re nothing more now than deflated and depleted

@MoeLiebelt please mother licker, I’m faster stronger and fitter, than you or anyone else who dares think they can rap quicker.

@AliNorts I spit quick running backwards up Lofty. So fit you can’t stop me, believe it, just watch me.

@MoeLiebelt think you can beat me, you’ll need more than your fitness, I’m whippin ya so good – just ask God, he’s my witness.

@AliNorts you can’t whip what you can’t catch. I’m so far ahead and you’re no match. Ain’t your fault, I’m the best of the batch

@MoeLiebelt attacking my skills? At least I pay my bills, I’m climbing up hills and returning loans on time, making me pretty damn sublime.

@AliNorts your skills? There’re none to attack. My accounts are all in the black. Get back to work, quit talking smack out your crack

@MoeLiebelt work you say? like it’s something u know, your lazy ass sitting out while you watch my rhymes flow, easy just like a Hindley hoe

@AliNorts I’ve never met a hoe from Hindley, nice to meet you, thank you kindly. You say you’re easy? Must charge a low feeeeeeeeee

@MoeLiebelt oh no you did not, you filthy foul rot – but I’m surprised, I see through your lies – aren’t those the gals giving you ur highs?

@AliNorts I don’t need no highs my skills tower over you. You think you’re all that but you got no follow through

@MoeLiebelt I would follow thru but i’m not into physical violence so when I hit u with my rhymes and I hear only silence that’s my triumph

@AliNorts your hits all miss, you’ve met your measure, but I’m here to educate, it’s my pleasure

@MoeLiebelt learning from you? Couldn’t think of anything worse! You’re so bad it makes me wanna curse!

@AliNorts listen fool you’re being schooled. So far you’ve just drooled, at your feet it’s pooled and every rhyme you’ve spat I’ve overruled

@MoeLiebelt You’ve had your fun, but it’s time this battle was won, admit defeat, son you’re all done – back to mummy you should run

@MoeLiebelt You been silent a while, looks like I’ve won by a mile! I’ll see ya at 5.30 for dinner, then you can gaze on a winner!

@AliNorts she’s stupider she’s from Jupiter

@MoeLiebelt he’s a prick apparently he has a small dick

So who do you think won? Comment below or tweet either of us #rapbattle to let us know!