The best thing about the internet is not actually porn…

There is one thing in the world that makes my heart beat faster, that makes me weak at the knees and causes subtle yet classy salivation. I think about it for days on end, I fantasise about it while chained to my desk, I dream about at night and wake up with on my mind for the entire morning. I’m talking about food – good food. Actually, let’s be honest, sometimes it doesn’t even have to be that good – because every now and then every girl likes to have a naughty little thought about that burger that you’d be way too embarrassed to introduce to your parents – and apologies for my terrible analogies but there’s some fried chicken interrupting my chain of thoughts.

I like thinking about food almost as much as I like eating it. Which is why I think the greatest thing that the Internet has ever allowed for is the dissemination of menus to the masses. I can sit at work, wondering what I would I should sink my teeth into later that night and at the touch of the button, the limitless options are right there in front of me. While the moans at the thought of future pleasure that are expelled from behind my screen could cause potential embarrassment and a call from the HR department, I have no shame. Nothing will ever end my love of the online menu – except for one thing that is…well one sentence; “oh, we’re all out of that today” – you what mate? You’re out of that thing that caused me to drool on my keyboard just at the thought of it? Or even worse – a superior specials board. Nothing else breaks my heart more than deciding on exactly what to consume, only to arrive and be distracted by tantalising options previously not advertised. Decision making is not my strong point and now I have to reject one food option? Not cool.

Okay, I’m pretty pleased with online menus…but yeah wouldn’t complain about being able to download cheesecake…

I’m of the belief that every ones problems are relevant to them and their unique situation, and while my issues might seem minimal to you, they mean a lot to me. Please do not invite me somewhere that does not have an online menu. I will not be able to make it through the day. The anticipation of the unknown will more than likely cause me a mental breakdown – I’m not saying it’s happened before but I’m not saying it hasn’t. That’s all. Basically.

Online menus make life worth living.

Beans on Toast…

I would genuinely like to know who decided that gourmet = good. Was it one person or was it a group of evil food marketing geniuses who all got together in the mid to late nineties and declared; “the humble baked bean in a can will no longer suffice for a Sunday night meal, we must convince the world that they want, neigh, they need beans with sun dried capsicum and tomato, finished with a gentle flavouring of paprika”? I apologise for the super long sentence but I just can’t contain my confusion. I actually like normal baked beans. I also like the kind that come with that fake extra cheesy flavouring – on occasion. Don’t get me wrong, I’m also a sucker for a good old Sunday cafe breaky featuring stuff I can’t even pronounce properly – I mean apparently it’s kinwa…but it’s spell quinoa! I JUST CAN’T COPE, I TOOK FRENCH IN PRIMARY SCHOOL AND SUDDENLY I HAVE TO SPEAK SPANISH TO EAT. I can’t…I just can’t even. Maybe on my behalf, it’s an act of rebellion – you see my mum was all about sneaking the fancy things into my lunchbox – all I wanted was ice berg lettuce in my sandwich like the other kids but she thought I’d prefer rocket. I wanted normal old coon and I got Camembert or Feta. What kid actually asks for pine nuts in a lunch time salad? They just do not. This being said, I do like to consider myself a foodie but I guess my point is, why is it not percieved as being as good if it’s not gourmet? I love me a gourmet burger as much as the next twenty-something foodie but (and don’t tell anyone) I often find that my tastebuds can be just as delighted by a basic corner store burger cooked on a dirty big greasy grill. Sometimes I really just crave those hot dogs with the mystery meat. Not often, but every now and again I’d just rather get a service station pie than a handcrafted work of pasty art – surely I’m not the only one?! Recently I heard about a trend of reverting back to more ‘simple’ foods – brilliant I thought, I can return to the supermarket and begin buying the plain old crinkle cut chips again, rather than the rosemary and sea salt “country cut” ones. I like both kinds, It’s just that I feel judged (to be honest it’s probably just in my head…) when I buy the ‘non-fancy’ ones…But I was wrong – when they said ‘simple’ foods they meant raw eating, with all these buzz words thrown in – chia, cacao and coconut oil…things that have been around for many years (apparently) but only in my vocab for the last few. I guess this all sounds a little ‘first world problemy’ but I needed to release my rage somehow. I just tried to make myself a basic peanut butter sandwich for lunch before realising that even our bread has pumpkin seeds in it – as horrible as it can be, some times I really do crave that sweet chemical filled white stuff of other people’s childhoods. As I sit here nibbling on the my multi-grain pita that I’ve topped with (wait for it) “chilli chipotle, grilled capsicum and cashew dip” I wonder, could I get together with a bunch of smart, like minded people and make basic white bread cheese sandwiches hip? Probably not, but a gals got to have a dream….!

Multi-grain pita teamed with fancy schmancy dip...when all I wanted was white bread and peanut butter...
Multi-grain pita teamed with fancy schmancy dip…when all I wanted was white bread and peanut butter…(I’m so secretly ashamed that I didn’t even feel like taking a decent photo)

The Unhappiest Meal in The World.

Tuna and salad a meal does not make. There, I said it, all you little healthy do gooders out there can put that in your pipe and smoke it. Not that you would because it probably defeats the purpose of eating well but I’m sure you get the gist of it. My point? Eating tuna and salad for lunch today has made me incredibly unhappy.

It tasted fine – definitely not bland but…eugh it was tuna….and….salad.
I could have been eating delicious cold rolls with some tasty peanut sauce but instead I decided that I would a) try and save money b) use the left over salad from the fridge, and c) eat a little bit more healthy.
That’s where I screwed myself over, once and for all and ended up eating TUNA SALAD for lunch on a Tuesday.

People tell me that they LOVE eating salad. There is a name for these people; liars.

I learned at an early age that ‘you don’t make friends with salad’ and this sound advice has stuck with me through life. Yes, one day my anti-salad ways may catch up with me and my friends will be forced to roll me off the couch and down the street to the heart specialist (stopping for a burger along the way, just to keep me happy) but until that day I will without a doubt be waving the ‘no tuna salad for lunch’ flag and working hard at the gym to maintain my salad free lifestyle.

I hope you’re having a happy and salad free Tuesday, good people of the world!

Salad is bad, mkay?
Salad is bad, mkay?