Confessions of a No Lights No Lycra Addict

Those who know me may have heard me raving about one of my favourite past times – No Lights No Lycra (NLNL) because it is SO FREAKIN FUN. Head to the link for the full story but in short, basically you go into a room, the lights get switched off and you dance your ass off to excellent tunes for an hour – without the fear of anyone seeing your potentially heinous dance moves. I love it. I head along whenever I get the chance, to the Adelaide one in Stepney and shake what my mumma gave me. It’s a chance, for most, to switch off mentally however I have found that with the tunes pumping and my feet moving, some odd things pass through my mind – so I thought I would share them with you…(and hey, maybe you might want to come along some time?)

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  • Oh Wow, it’s so dark…OHMIGAWD WHOSE HAND IS THAT ON MY NECK? Oh wait, it’s mine…
  • Argh how great is this song, hey if Missy Elliot can learn all the words to a Missy Elliot song then I should be able to as well. I’d be a sick rapper…
  • Not enough people pull out the ‘shopping trolley’ move in the club. I must incorporate it next time I hit the d-floor
  • Oh wow, I’m stuffed…how has it only been four songs….
  • SHIT YEAH THIS SONG TOTALLY SPEAKS TO MY SOUL, I AM TOTALLY ADDICTED TO BASS

 

  • Note to self, I must download ALL Taylor Swift songs when I get home, especially the earlier stuff
  • There really isn’t enough Prodigy on the work playlist, I think I’ll add ‘Smack My Bitch Up’ when I’m in the office next
  • Shit I am good at this, I wonder if ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ is still a thing…actually I may as well go straight to the top, hopefully Britney is still taking applications for dancers for her Vegas show, I’m a shoe in
  • Oh shit, note to self, don’t pull that move again, Alicia you need your ankles functioning for the purpose of WALKING
  • Oh what is this song, I must ask the girl who programmed the list, I really want to add it to the playlist for my fantasy wedding reception (actual legit thing)
  • Holy shit, I like most music but for some reason Dubstep really makes me want to destroy every electrical appliance I own – even the ones I really like…
  • Gee George Michael really was so sassy in his prime – and I honestly think that the use of tambourine in Faith is pure musical genius
  • Oh wow, this song is great, I haven’t heard THIS club track since 2003 when I thought Celicas were the coolest cars in the world because the cute boy down the street drove one…he turned out to be a bit of a knob. No surprises there.
  • WHAT?! Last song already…okay I better enjoy this…
  • Just sayin, how bloody awesome is my damned fine, strong, beautiful, powerful and capable body that allows me to dance like crazy for an hour? AND how awesome are the bits that jiggle when I shake ma thang? They the best.
  • OHMIGAWD IT IS SO BRIGHT…BRIGHT LIGHT BRIGHT LIGHT.

 

12 HOURS LATER:

Does anyone know a good physio? It hurts when I try to human.

48 HOURS LATER

Eugh can’t it be Monday already? I wanna dance again!!!!

 

The excitement of an alone stroll…

Today I went for a walk, look at me go! Unfortunately, being a public holiday, the rest of Adelaide seemed to have the same idea. The thing is, when you get a whole heap of people in the same place, suddenly some people just seem…worse than others. Rather than enjoy the scenery, I kept myself distracted by noticing the flaws in those around me and I choose to share them now with you, in this blog post – enjoy xx

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At least the scenery was worth it.

Car Park Wankers

Without being reminded by my fellow walkers, I already find it weird that I am DRIVING MY CAR to go somewhere to WALK. Growing up in the beautiful surrounds of the Adelaide Hills, you just go for a walk where you live however since moving to suburbia, I’ve had to get comfortable with the concept of driving to nature – rather than just stepping out of the front door and into it.
On top of this, on a day like this, the park was absolutely full to the brim with a number of cars (predominantly ‘tough’ 4WDs) parked in non-designated parking areas – ALL OVER THE NATURE. The cars were parked on the nature that their inhabitants were there to enjoy. I just don’t get it. For the record, I parked further away and…here’s an abstract concept…walked to the walk.

Croc Sock Dag

Someone is very embarrassed to be related to this human. Not only was he wearing crocs, he was wearing them with socks on a hike up a rocky hill. Go home.

Headphone Farter

She may not have been able to hear it but surely she could feel it? Sure she was blasting T-Swiz pretty loudly through her noise cancelling headphones but that is no excuse for farting loudly whilst walking past another group of walkers. None at all.

Ipad Dad

Taking photos with an Ipad is bad at the best of times however when its half way through a three hour hike you really have to question everything you ever thought you knew. Furthermore, if the photographer in question is dressed head to toe in bike riding Lycra with not a single road nor road bike in sight, perhaps it is in fact time to give up on this world.

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I shouldn’t judge though – I was snapchatting shitty pictures of koalas…

Glasses Buddy

This lady was wearing the same sunglasses as me so walked out of her way, just to tell me. It wasn’t a huge shock as I could in fact easily see that we were wearing the same glasses myself. Wearing the same glasses is not reason enough to become friends and someone should explain that to this woman. After pointing out out common eye wear to me, she then tried to continue the conversation – lady I just wanna enjoy nature on my own – enough!

Couples Therapy

Next up I was stuck behind Michelle and Lucas; Lucas barely ever empties the dishwasher and having to constantly ask Lucas to do so distresses Michelle as she is very conscious of not nagging him. My life is enriched with this knowledge.

Selfie Stick Owner

They are big, they are awkward and they are pointy and you look like an idiot.

Star Wars Spoiler

I’m torn, I can’t decide if this is adorable or super shitty. Whilst catching my breath in the car park before heading back to my car I could over hear a woman reading out the Wikipedia plot overview of Star Wars to her incredibly eager child. Now I haven’t seen Star Wars however I am incredibly familiar with the Wikipedia plot overview – because I’ve read it just to keep up with pop culture and to make sure I’m down with the youth. So anyways, my gripe? While it was kinda cute how much the kid was loving it and how adorable the entertainment method was I was concerned for THE PEOPLE – the woman’s voice was kinda loud and what if the other people didn’t want to know any Star Wars spoiler alerts? WHAT IF?

10/10 Douche Bros

For a solid three minutes, the absolute worst of my life, I was stuck within hearing distance of two ‘roided up twats who felt the need to rate every single woman that they spotted on a scale out of ten, pulling apart every aspect of their physical appearance in a terribly degrading way that only a truly insecure person could. They were terrible people and I hope that their dicks shrivel up and their hair falls out. For the record, I’m a seven with a great butt who could ‘lose a bit off the thighs and should check out fake tanning ’ while they were far too muscular for my liking with faces that only a paper bag could improve and personalities that could never be saved.

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This is what a ‘7’ looks like – taken WITHOUT a selfie stick.

Runners

Up the hill, down the hill, super fast on the flats and constantly making us non-runners feel inadequate. Runners are not your friends, they are super human beasts put on this earth to keep the rest of us in our place – and they deserve every shin splint that comes their way.

 

So if you ever decide to go on a walk and spot me out and about, perhaps have a nice trait that I can write about next time I do this?

UnPlotted Potter – More Fun Than You Can Poke A Wand At…

I’m not a crazy Harry Potter fan or anything, I mean it’s not like I’ve got a quote from the books tattooed on my arm or anything…oh wait, I do. Well this is awkward, I guess now the whole world knows that I REALLY BLOODY LIKE HARRY POTTER. Phew, well now that we’ve got that out of the way, I guess that it’s time to admit that I went to a Harry Potter themed improv show on the weekend. Yep, that’s right, this cute and quirky show explored the back story of a previously low key character from the mind of JK Rowling.

Each night the character in question will inevitably be different as it can be any one of over 150 minor Potter characters. On the night I attended we were lucky enough to experience the tale of Phineas Nigellus Black – and what a boisterous ride it was!

The talented team of improvisers from Scriptease brought bundles full of energy and genuine laughs to the stage.

I do adore Harry Potter but I’m certainly no crazy expert. Off the top of my head, I wouldn’t know the name of Dumbledores Mother (it’s Kendra, for future reference) but many attendees would have. There were plenty of experts in the crowd who were given the opportunity to defend the honor of the Potter tale to call out the performers when they committed a magical faux-pas which made for many a laugh throughout the hour. To this, a number of performers seemed to be showing off in their knowledge of the world of Potter while others dodged any mention of this completely – which only added for laughs and contrast!

A delightful and fun show for Potter fans and ignorant muggles alike! For tickets and more info, head to FringeTix – and don’t forget, there are HEAPS of awesome shows still to see this Fringe…how about checking out some from this list:

Emily Tresidder – Crazy Is

Duncan Turner Was An Inside Job

Marcel Blanch- de Wilt: PLAY

Beep Boop

Angus Hodge – Guy Alone

SIGH FI

Caught In The Crosswire

Annnnd heaps more – head to the Producers, Tuxedo Cat or Rhino for plenty of great shows! xx

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Kate Miller-Heidke @ ADLFRINGE

Originally posted on Scenestr.

 

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Performing to a sold-out crowd within the beautiful Spiegeltent, Kate Miller-Heidke captured the crowd from the moment she hit the stage and held them right through until the very end.

The ever-delightful Miller-Heidke, accompanied by collaborator and husband Keir Nuttall delivered a tight one-hour set, executed with expert precision. Banter with the crowd was brief yet charming, with a focus placed on ensuring the audience were able to experience as many songs as possible within the limited performance time. Utilising her phenomenal vocal range, Kate delivered a mix of old and new tracks including the emotionally engaging ‘Caught In The Crowd’, as well as a beautiful song which she wrote with Tina Arena last year detailing the turmoil of supporting a friend in an abusive relationship, moving a number of audience members to tears.

Not one to dwell on a moment of sadness, Kate regularly lifted the mood by adding tunes filled with biting humour and charming wit. With a voice to make angels sing, the occasional ‘bad word’ comes as a hilarious shock, but her gentle nature allows obscenities to fall from her mouth like drops of sunlight.

With a background in classical vocal techniques, while it almost felt like she was showing off, she did it with such casual and bashful ease the crowd fell in love with her time and time again. Probably the only person in the world whose shrieking could be described as gorgeous and melodic, Kate Miller-Heidke truly enthralled the crowd.

Noise bleed from nearby venues within the bustling area created a minor distraction however the spellbound crowd barely seemed to notice as all eyes (and ears) were focussed on the stage.

Wrapping up the hour with what began as a stripped back version of her first single from back in 2007, ‘Words’, the song built into an astounding performance complete with complex layering and looping. A well-deserved standing ovation closed out a stellar hour of entertainment.

Will I Ever Be Bey? Part Two…

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I donned my favourite dancing pants and got into the swing of things!

If you had told me this time last week that I’d be dancing in broad daylight, stone cold sober to a Justin Bieber song in front of a crowd of people at Gluttony – I’d probably have asked what you’d been smoking. But it’s happened now and I can’t take it back – really, I can’t, there’s video evidence of it on the internet.
If you read my post last week, you might already know that I don’t exactly consider myself to be the best of dancers but I want to be…I really really want to Bey. So when I heard about the Bey dance classes I was keen to jump on board – though I didn’t know that I’d be shakin my booty in front of a crowd.
The class kicked off on a warm Saturday arvo in Gluttony but thank goodness for air con and fans because you can’t dance up a storm without working up a bit of a sweat! The wonderful founder of Bey Dance, Liz introduced us to our teacher, Rhys and broke the news that may have shattered some attendees – we wouldn’t actually be dancing to a Beyonce song (what, oh no!) but instead a Justin Bieber song. Thankfully the Biebs has come into his own recently – no more of this whiny ‘oh baby baby’ rubbish. No. ‘Sorry’ was one of the catchiest yet not completely shit songs of 2015 and I wasn’t sorry that we would be getting to dance along to that (though I am sorry for that sentence, it was shameful and the use of the word sorry as a mild pun was pathetic. Soz).
On one hand we were thrown into the deep end – getting straight into the moves but on the other hand, we were thrown really gently! The way that Rhys and Liz eased everyone into the choreography whilst also helping us feel like we were achieving something really quickly was impressive. I’ve tried my hand at a few dance classes over the years and I’m not lying when I say this was the most fun, most energetic and most satisfying!
Sure, my legs are still aching a bit today (though that may have more to do with the extra dancing that I did ALL Saturday night…) however it was totally worth it! The Bey dance class was all about being confident and positive – not necessarily about getting the moves 100% right. That being said, the moves were simple enough that it wasn’t too difficult at all – and even if you didn’t get them right, you would still look pretty damned fabulous!
So after an hour and a half, filled with plenty of laughter, we were gently ushered out into the centre of Gluttony to ‘flashmob’ the crowd outside. It was heaps and heaps of fun – while I can’t bring myself to watch the video of it, I feel like it doesn’t matter what we looked like because it was an absolute blast! Thanks Bey Dance!

Will I Ever Be Bey? Part One…

I like to think that I’m pretty brave and pretty smart but there is one thing that continues to leave me doubting myself, time and time again. No matter how hard I try, how much effort I put in or how much booze I consume, I can never get over the deep-seated fear I have about my moves – of the dance variety that is.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m always the first out on the dance floor at a party – but the sprinkler is my go to move, and ain’t no body has ever made the sprinkler look all that sexy (though I do dare you to try and prove me wrong…).
I’ve been to class after class of every style of dance over the years and while I always have fun, I never seem to really get into the swing of it…
I’ve bumbled through a bit of Bollywood, stumbled through a sexy salsa class and have spent the best part of the last year and a half hobbling away from weekly hip hop classes. I’ve got the enthusiasm but if I’m honest with myself, I sure as hell ain’t got the coordination to pull it off.

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This is a thing that happened once when I attempted dancing (yes, I was also drunk at Mardi Gras but there was defs dancing!)
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See – “Dancing”….dammit tequila.

I come from a long line of terrible dancers though– my own dad being a prime example. He has one move, he calls it “washing clothes in the river” and it involves some awkward downward punching. My Grandma was a big fan of line dancing – enough said.
My dance career was doomed by genetics.

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The kind of quality dancing that my genetics allow me…

That being said, I’m always up for a challenge – even if it does mean that I could end up looking like an absolute fool – though I’m assured that this won’t be the case.

I first heard of Bey Dance a year or so ago and ever since then I’ve been keen to jump on board one of their classes. Unfortunately, as being an adult has taught me, life often gets in the way of a good time. It’s taken a while for me to have a chance to find my inner Bey but finally as Adelaide Fringe rolls around, with plenty of dance workshop opportunities with this wonderful crew, I will finally get to do it. Yes, this Saturday I get to fulfil my dream of participating in a Bey Dance class- but I’m scared…what if I make a dick of myself? I’ve done it before (publicly make a dick of myself that is) – we need not mention the unfortunate contemporary dance class I attended last year but suffice to say, struggle was the word of the day. I’ve only heard good things about the Bey Dance classes and the team behind them so I’m gonna put on my big girl pants (actually, a pair of really pretty gym leggings because dressing nicely makes me more motivated to exercise, it’s a genuine strategy…) and I’ll throw my inhibitions out the window and dance my little ass off, not caring how I look. Why? Because I have journalistic integrity and I want to be able to honestly report back to you lovely readers the full Bey Dance experience…and also a little bit because I want to learn to look sassy, fierce and all together ultra sexy next time I hit the dance floor – please help me Bey Dance!

 

Watch this space to find out how I get along…or better yet, come along and give it a go yourself – https://www.facebook.com/events/113948608992395/

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Let’s see if we can improve on this – and be more sober than this…

 

Ten Adeladies You Should Check Out This Fringe…

Have you looked around lately? You’d be crazy not to because this beautiful city of ours is absolutely BRIMMING with talent!

With the Adelaide Fringe Festival taking over the town in the next few weeks, there’ll be endless chances to catch some of the best international and established performers for over a month – but that doesn’t mean you should forget about the locals!

There are heaps of people kicking goals in the Adelaide arts scene – and better yet, plenty of gals representing! It’s tough to make a decision on where to throw your cash but hey, this year how about you throw some of it at a local babe – in an artistic sense that is! So without further ado, here’s my personal list of Adeladies you should see at this year’s Fringe!

To continue reading this post, head on over to http://adelady.com.au/10-adelaides-you-should-see-at-the-fringe/ – also don’t forget to grab tix to my show… available from Fringe Tix!

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A garden without beer is just a waste.

I think I am ready to admit to myself that despite my best efforts to the contrary, I am not a gardener and nor will I ever be one. The patch of dirt in my small court yard that in my mind was to be filled with luscious vegetables and flowering natives or at the very least, pots of useful herbs is currently nothing more than mud decorated poorly with aging mulch.

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Inexplicable patch of bricks in my garden…

Two years ago I moved into my current abode, with big dreams and a heart set on being a real functioning proper adult – with the kind of outdoor area to prove to my friends and family that I’d truly made it. Flash forward to January 2016 and the only colour in my yard comes from the fading retro garden flamingos that were once used as a novelty Christmas decoration – otherwise its brown ground and asbestos fencing as far as the eye can see – which isn’t far anyways, since it (thankfully) is a tiny yard.
Encouragement came from every corner – mum would swing by on Saturday mornings and off we’d venture to Bunnings to find another pretty low maintenance flower to revitalise the passion for gardening. Upon our return however, she would cast her eye over the barren wasteland into which I intended to integrate the pretty little plant and sigh with disappointment. An avid and successful gardener herself, I’m sure she couldn’t help but feel personally responsible that I’d recently killed not one but two supposedly indestructible mint plants. Mother grew bored of my failed attempts at adult life and moved away, like far far away. I’m almost entirely sure she made this major life change so that she would no longer have to regularly bear witness to the failure of a daughter which she herself had raised.

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I planted succulents and natives because they are more difficult to kill (but not impossible…)

For the past year I have found myself getting rather cosy in many gardens – beer gardens that is, if only to water (that’s a gardening term, right?) my own sorrow – but not drown it – because that’s how we kill plants(I know that much, because humans also die if drowned, duh). My passion was momentarily relocated late last year when I read an article by the excellent Helen Razer, describing how she had found a love of gardening in recent years. Enthused by her words I stepped out into the yard – and then my phone vibrated and a single word flashed up on the screen; “pub?” – ahhhh Helens getting older, her friends are married and have children and no longer waste hours talking shit with a pint in their hand, that must be how she manages to find time to garden…
This morning I re-assessed the situation and sighed deeply – I began to pull out weeds, dressed in the oh so classy combination of pyjamas and thongs. Before I knew it I’d accidentally walked backwards into the peg basket on the washing line and tipped a substantial amount of water on myself – that’s enough gardening for this year then.

I love the idea of sitting in a beautifully landscaped garden but I’ve resigned myself to the fact that everyone needs a fantasy to keep them going in life, so that shall be mine. Perhaps I will one day marry into money, live in a fancy house and hire a gardener? Or perhaps I will continue to live the way I do for many years to come. If that is the case, my lack of gardening talent is probably the least of my worries…maybe I should upgrade to furniture that isn’t made of milk crates? Or learn to correctly file important documents instead of shoving them in drawers (that are sure to overflow soon at this rate)? I should almost certainly learn to eat the yoghurt in the fridge before it starts growing the dangerous looking red mould that I found this morning – the kind that could probably kill at least thirty three unborn babies with a single spoonful. Now I think of it, I might just top up my morning glass of sparkling (FYI it’s Prosecco – because if you’re gonna grow up to be an alcoholic, you may as well be a fabulous, European fun one- and not too expensive either) and plan a picnic – in someone else’s garden. I never said I didn’t like the outdoors but dirt? That stuff is icky.

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My bother is a beautiful and talented human. He made me this table so that I could sit and enjoy the mess of a yard that I have created. Note the dead plant in the pot actually has spiderwebs on it.

How to Have The Best New Years Eve Ever

 

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Every year, every damned year, the anticipation builds, the invitations start to roll in and you think to yourself; “I’m going to make this the best New Years Eve ever”.

Best. New. Years. Eve. Ever.

And it never happens, does it? Well I hate to say it — but the most overrated night of the year for most has never been that way for me. I don’t mean to show off but I haven’t had a bad New Years that I can recall. Sure, I can’t recall all of them clearly but I distinctly remember fun was had. Yes, a twenty-something part-time comedian / part time wine taster (read: goon connoisseur) whose idea of a well balanced dinner is budget dips and cheese might not be the person you should logically take advice from, but seriously, since when do ‘logic’ and ‘fun’ go hand in hand? And with that in mind, ladies, my advice to help you have The Best New Years Eve Ever. You’re welcome.

 

Read the rest of the article at the following link;  http://adelady.com.au/how-to-have-the-best-new-years-eve-ever/