Beans on Toast…

I would genuinely like to know who decided that gourmet = good. Was it one person or was it a group of evil food marketing geniuses who all got together in the mid to late nineties and declared; “the humble baked bean in a can will no longer suffice for a Sunday night meal, we must convince the world that they want, neigh, they need beans with sun dried capsicum and tomato, finished with a gentle flavouring of paprika”? I apologise for the super long sentence but I just can’t contain my confusion. I actually like normal baked beans. I also like the kind that come with that fake extra cheesy flavouring – on occasion. Don’t get me wrong, I’m also a sucker for a good old Sunday cafe breaky featuring stuff I can’t even pronounce properly – I mean apparently it’s kinwa…but it’s spell quinoa! I JUST CAN’T COPE, I TOOK FRENCH IN PRIMARY SCHOOL AND SUDDENLY I HAVE TO SPEAK SPANISH TO EAT. I can’t…I just can’t even. Maybe on my behalf, it’s an act of rebellion – you see my mum was all about sneaking the fancy things into my lunchbox – all I wanted was ice berg lettuce in my sandwich like the other kids but she thought I’d prefer rocket. I wanted normal old coon and I got Camembert or Feta. What kid actually asks for pine nuts in a lunch time salad? They just do not. This being said, I do like to consider myself a foodie but I guess my point is, why is it not percieved as being as good if it’s not gourmet? I love me a gourmet burger as much as the next twenty-something foodie but (and don’t tell anyone) I often find that my tastebuds can be just as delighted by a basic corner store burger cooked on a dirty big greasy grill. Sometimes I really just crave those hot dogs with the mystery meat. Not often, but every now and again I’d just rather get a service station pie than a handcrafted work of pasty art – surely I’m not the only one?! Recently I heard about a trend of reverting back to more ‘simple’ foods – brilliant I thought, I can return to the supermarket and begin buying the plain old crinkle cut chips again, rather than the rosemary and sea salt “country cut” ones. I like both kinds, It’s just that I feel judged (to be honest it’s probably just in my head…) when I buy the ‘non-fancy’ ones…But I was wrong – when they said ‘simple’ foods they meant raw eating, with all these buzz words thrown in – chia, cacao and coconut oil…things that have been around for many years (apparently) but only in my vocab for the last few. I guess this all sounds a little ‘first world problemy’ but I needed to release my rage somehow. I just tried to make myself a basic peanut butter sandwich for lunch before realising that even our bread has pumpkin seeds in it – as horrible as it can be, some times I really do crave that sweet chemical filled white stuff of other people’s childhoods. As I sit here nibbling on the my multi-grain pita that I’ve topped with (wait for it) “chilli chipotle, grilled capsicum and cashew dip” I wonder, could I get together with a bunch of smart, like minded people and make basic white bread cheese sandwiches hip? Probably not, but a gals got to have a dream….!

Multi-grain pita teamed with fancy schmancy dip...when all I wanted was white bread and peanut butter...
Multi-grain pita teamed with fancy schmancy dip…when all I wanted was white bread and peanut butter…(I’m so secretly ashamed that I didn’t even feel like taking a decent photo)

Stop with your ‘single lady wanting to get married’ shaming….

I’m a little bit annoyed actually, because you see, people keep judging me. I don’t really think that their judgement is fair or valid or, in fact, very polite. Often people will tell you that judgement is just in your head and that ‘hey, being ‘judged’ is a bit of a first world problem, why not go get yourself a soy double mocha-chino and get the fuck over it’. When judgement is obvious though, like when someone does those eyes where they’re looking down upon you and just kind of sigh – maybe they’ll roll their eyes too, with the sole objective of making you feel belittled then it really sucks. This is all sounding pretty damned horrible right now, yeah? Kind of in the whole ‘get out the world’s tiniest violin and play to our hearts content’ way…

Anyhow, I guess you want to know what I’ve been feeling judged about…well, if you insist, I am sick and tired of being judged for talking about my wedding. Yes, I am aware that it’s generally not socially acceptable to talk about your wedding plans BEFORE you get a ring on your finger – yep, that’s right, not even engaged, but seriously, why on earth should that stop my planning?!

There have literally been occasions where I am telling a group of people all about my wedding plans, only for one of them to joyfully exclaim ‘I didn’t know you were engaged – congratulations’ – no, you ass clown, I am not engaged and now you have just made this kind of awkward and you’re certainly going to give me an odd look when I say ‘no, I’m just really organised…’ – and we could have avoided all that!

Now before you get all ‘you don’t need to get married to be happy, you can be a strong independent woman who don’t need no man’ – yes, I’m very aware of that. I don’t necessarily want to get married though, I actually just want a wedding, you see. Now you’re really thinking that I’m crazy, and you know what? You’re probably entitled to that; I’ll let you have that one. People have said to me “why not just have a party”. No. You clearly don’t get it. I want a wedding. Sure it won’t be traditional – I’ve already decided that catering will consist of hamburgers (and a vegetarian version, of course) and cheese platters – because these are superior forms of food. I’ll think I’ll wear a kind of non – traditional dress (but I can’t give too much away) but here’s the clincher – it’s gonna kick the butt of all my ‘friends’ weddings and only cost a fraction of the price! Yep, I’ve got it all sorted. So stop judging me – because yes, I am secretly judging your $20,000 wedding budget – ya fucking nutter.


The Unhappiest Meal in The World.

Tuna and salad a meal does not make. There, I said it, all you little healthy do gooders out there can put that in your pipe and smoke it. Not that you would because it probably defeats the purpose of eating well but I’m sure you get the gist of it. My point? Eating tuna and salad for lunch today has made me incredibly unhappy.

It tasted fine – definitely not bland but…eugh it was tuna….and….salad.
I could have been eating delicious cold rolls with some tasty peanut sauce but instead I decided that I would a) try and save money b) use the left over salad from the fridge, and c) eat a little bit more healthy.
That’s where I screwed myself over, once and for all and ended up eating TUNA SALAD for lunch on a Tuesday.

People tell me that they LOVE eating salad. There is a name for these people; liars.

I learned at an early age that ‘you don’t make friends with salad’ and this sound advice has stuck with me through life. Yes, one day my anti-salad ways may catch up with me and my friends will be forced to roll me off the couch and down the street to the heart specialist (stopping for a burger along the way, just to keep me happy) but until that day I will without a doubt be waving the ‘no tuna salad for lunch’ flag and working hard at the gym to maintain my salad free lifestyle.

I hope you’re having a happy and salad free Tuesday, good people of the world!

Salad is bad, mkay?
Salad is bad, mkay?

Womb Buddies…?!

It is possible to be friends with someone for your whole life, right until the very end?

I’m gonna say yes; I have at least one friend who I have known since the moment she was born. There are other ‘acquaintances’ – people who are in my life who I have known for just as long, but I think it’s pretty special to still have some as a person whom you would call a friend.
No, before you get too excited, I’m not talking about my mum (but she is pretty awesome- probably too awesome to be just a friend so ‘mum’ will be the best description for her!)

I’m talking about my ‘womb buddy’ – and no…that’s not some creepy new experimental pregnancy style… it’s the name that my friend came up with for us when she was oh so slightly inebriated! I think it fits- even though we never were never actual womb buddies- she was even born 18 months after me but we have been mates since the moment she bailed from the comfort of her mother.

It’s not like we’ve been besties – they are a whole different type all together, them and soul sisters, but that’s for another day. My womb buddy and I have always, ALWAYS had time for one another and more than that we have WANTED to spend time with one another, no matter what point we are at in our lives.

She’s studying to be a midwife. I don’t understand that life choice but does that matter? Hells no!

I often have a couple drinks too many and embarrass her (and the human species in general) in public but does she hold that against me?! I’m pretty (99%) sure not!

It’s pretty great to have a friend like that in your life. I’m writing this because she just celebrated her 20th birthday on the weekend (at which I did indeed have a couple of bevies…). It was great being able to see how much of a beautiful (inside and out) person she has become, how thoughtful, intellectual and damn right fun she is. I feel blessed to have such a special person in my life. Other friends have come and some have gone but having a bond like this can never be replaced.

Hannah- my womb buddy and I

P.S Can I guess that this totally gave away that I don’t have a sister- tell me, is it the same with a sister?!

Things that I would do if I were rich: part one.

So I am sure that we’ve all got a list or at least a few ideas of what we would do if we were rich. If we won the lottery, married a wealthy man or -god forbid- managed to earn a decent living on our very own there are ways that we can all imagine spreading that cash around.

Some are noble. Some are…less noble (selfish?!)

Today I am going to talk about the number one on my list which is most certainly NOT a noble way to splash my hard earned dollars….so, here goes…if I had a substantially large amount of disposable income I would….pay someone to wash my hair at least once a week.

Yup, that’s it.

I don’t thing I would but expensive handbags or get regular massages, manicures or pedicures, I would just like someone to wash my hair, please and thank you.

If I fail to earn enough money to make this happen I think that I may have to find a hairdresser to marry or pray that I die and come back as a pet dog in my next life.

I can already feel the glares and looks of confusion- wouldn’t you donate to charity or invest or ANY THING ELSE?! Well, as I said, this is only ONE thing on my list.

Anyhow, those who have never experienced someone washing their hair can not relate. I’m on this topic because I went for my 6 weekly visit to the hairdresser last night- I really do look forward to it – especially the moment when she goes to get rid of those alien foils and rinses and washed and add the toner and and…well…it’s just glorious! A few weeks ago I was in Kuala Lumpur and I paid $7.50 AUD for a wash and dry and it was amazing. Perhaps I need to move there.

Is it because it reminds me of being a child and having my hair washed? Is it because someone is actually paying attention to ME? Is it the amazing head massage involved or is it because I’m too lazy to put in any real effort normally so it’s the only time that my hair gets a real clean…?

What ever it is, I love it.

Pathetic yet probably expensive – but hey I’m cutting back on chocolate so I’ve gotta have some kind of indulgence!

So my advice for today – as pathetic as it – is to go and get your hair washed by some one else. Also, if you get it done by a student hairdresser it will be cheaper AND you will be doing a good deed by allowing someone to use you to practice on (if that’s a risk you’re willing to take) – but then it’s win win!