As spring starts to ease into summer and the air becomes clearer, the scent of the previous months begins to fade, with many breathing a sigh of relief. From about the beginning of September each year, people are on guard, keeping a look out for white petals beginning to bud on trees in what were previously safe and innocent suburban neighbourhoods. As the branches begin to bloom on the visually stunning Ornamental Pears, an awful smell begins to suffocate anyone who dares leave their home.

Cum Trees hold a special place in my heart, I was first made aware of their existence about five years ago by my dear mother. A brief and bizarre phone call altered me to the fact that the beautiful trees that I passed on my morning walks were not as innocent as they seemed. The phone call began abruptly;

Me: Hi Mum
Her: Alicia, did you know that there are trees that smell like cum?
Me: What?
Her: Semen, Alicia, the trees, they smell like semen!
Me: Ummm okay (gross, talking to my mum about body stuff…nah kidding, this is tame by our standards)
Her: That’s all, I just wanted you to know (hangs up)

At first, I was dubious – I hadn’t experienced it myself and no one else had mentioned it, and while I mostly trust my Mum, she was known to come out with some…interesting things. It wasn’t long, however, before I experienced it for myself. Since that very moment I have dedicated my life* to informing others of the existence of these stunning monstrosities. Each year this unfolds differently – 2019 was no exception but this time around I learned a trick or two along the way…so I share with you, the seven things I learned this cum tree season.

1. There are many names for the humble cum tree 

   A radio segment discussing the tree brought up many a creative term to describe it and its unique scent. There was the obvious; cum, semen, jizz, spunk and then there were some that were a touch more descriptive. I’ll leave them out of this article because my grandma will likely read it, but if you’ve stumbled on this post then you probably have access to google; search for yourself.

2. The world has awoken to the tree 

   2019 heralded a revolution in the discussion of cum trees. Their existence exploded over twitter as spring arrived. Blogs, articles and talk back radio chats followed. I wish I had jumped on the trend earlier rather than just chatting about it with my friends – I could have earned myself some easy cash! At least with an increase of awareness the reactions when I bring them up are somewhat less judgemental.

3. Never start a new job during cum tree season
   I started a new job at the beginning of September and what do you know? Our car park was packed full of trees, with more lining the walk to the nearest shopping centre where most staff journey daily for their lunch break. At least fifty trees in total, if not more. It wasn’t long before I was walking with a co-worker, biting my tongue and not saying a thing. Of course one of them commented on the smell, saying “ough, these trees smell awful, kind of like bleach and dead fish…” they trailed off and I just couldn’t help it, responding “but you know what they really smell like, right?”It was from that moment on that I am sure at least two of my co-workers knew me as the cum girl. Suppose it’s not the worst reason why I could be known as ‘the cum girl’ I guess.
4. Cum Trees are a great equaliser
   As far as I know however I didn’t become known as ‘cum girl’ around the office, in fact, I made friends (I think) and for the weeks following we bonded over our shared disdain for the smell. We took joy in introducing others to the knowledge of what the smell evoked in our minds, we mentioned articles we had spotted online, we spoke the stench had made evening jogging difficult (well they mentioned that, I could not relate). The shared experience served us well and helped us bide the time until the new Bachelorette season started, and we had yet another shared experience to bond over; our love for Bachelorette Angie and dislike of many of the men.
5. Not all mums are like my Mum 

   Every time I mention that my Mum introduced me the idea that these trees smelled like cum, please raise an eyebrow. Doesn’t your mum talk to you about what cum smells like? Your Mum sounds heaps boring then. Sucks to be you.

6. Allergies are no joke 

   This year I began to fear the trees for a new reason; I am now a person who gets pretty sneezy in spring. While sneezing isn’t so bad, sneezing seven or more times in a row isn’t much fun, especially a little bit of wee happens to come out on sneeze number eight. Whoops.

7. Not all scents are equal 

   “That’s not what cum smells like” – a rare comment but one that is raised from time to time. I’ve heard about pineapple changing the taste but is there a science to changing the smell? We’ll never know**

So that, folks, is my takeaway this spring. We can all breath a sigh of relief knowing that the season has passed for another year – in the southern hemisphere at least, a good reason to not travel anywhere and to stay safe here in order to avoid holidaying in a place where they may exist. Or just never leave the house, the safest option of all.

*Every spring, whenever I get a whiff of the trees and am around others

**scientists will probably know but I am a writer, not a scientist