I’m really sorry to say this but the word ‘sorry’ sucks. Is it just me or is it insanely over used? I know that I am constantly apologising for things completely out of my control – usually in the work place. I like to think that it makes me come off as a good person; helpful and polite. Whenever I do it though, I feel like a complete twat. Like “I’m sorry that I don’t know where ‘so&so’ is, perhaps he went to get a coffee?” I say to my manager – but why should I be sorry? That guy is probably having the time of his life flirting with the cute girl at the coffee shop. Jerk.
I wrote myself a post-it note and stuck it to my computer “stop saying sorry” it said, and when of the senior managers asked me what it was about, I explained it to him as succinctly as possibly – apologising at least three times during the process.
I know it’s something that we’re told as women to do less – apparently we all take on all the burdens of the world and feel the guilt tenfold that of men. I don’t know if that’s true though, I’ve met some very overly apologetic men in my time (but granted, some of those apologies were deserved – I’m looking at you ‘terrible sex Todd’ – not his real name…)
I feel crap every time I apologise unnecessarily. That being said, I’ve got a few things I do need to apologise for before I truly commit to erasing sorry from my life – so without further ado…

• I’m sorry to my brother Nick for all the times I told you to do things as a kid just so that I could watch you get into trouble. Mum, there was one time when I told him to throw our freshly laundered pyjamas in the bathtub just for the LOLs. And that was before LOLs were even a thing. (I’m not sorry for laughing when you got caught wagging school because one of your moronic mates posted about it on Facebook).

• I’m sorry to past Alicia for encouraging unrealistic expectations. I know I promised that we would never live in a house that had a shower curtain because you hate the way the stick to you. I’m sorry I lied. (I’m not sorry that you have spent the past three years showering in a bathroom with a shower curtain, its clingy ways have helped develop strength to endure through adversity in a very white middle class way).
• I’m sorry to my co-workers who had to put up with me answering every question by reciting the opening monologue of Law and Order SUV one day last week. I recognise that it was very annoying to hear it twenty times in one afternoon. (I’m not sorry that I did it though, having memorised that short paragraph has helped shaped the person I am – one week later).
• I’m sorry to my parents for trying to win every adolescent argument with the phrase “I never asked to be born”. It was low and shitty. (I’m not sorry that I thought it though – it’s a valid point, I don’t remember sending in a request form asking for ‘life’ – maybe my parents should have considered the very real difficulties that I would face in my privileged life before conceiving me. Bed at 10pm when you’re fourteen is a bullshit rule).

• I’m sorry to everyone I’ve ever been at a social event with, for over indulging in the nibbles to the point of embarrassment (I’m not sorry for enjoying and relishing in every beautiful mouthful).
• I’m sorry to every male that I have ever and ever will be in a relationship with, for sharing with you my unpleasant smells, sounds, moods and opinions (I’m not sorry for shattering your belief that the female of the species is a delicate little porcelain unicorn that should be placed gently upon a pedestal for fear of breaking – I’m glad that someone finally alerted you to the fact that we’re more alike than you would ever care to admit). I am also sorry for every orgasm I have and ever will fake…in the big scheme of things, that’s not really helping anybody is it?
• I’m sorry to my current self, for any time that I ever made myself feel bad for a choice that I have made. For criticising my physical self and my mental self. I am far more capable than I usually allow myself to believe and I need to stop treating myself like shit (I’m not sorry about the negative talk that I gave myself when I over plucked my eyebrows in year nine. That was deserved, those brows were dangerously abused and if I had not been so harsh on myself I may still have pencil thing lines above my eyes implying that I am in a constant state of shock or surprise which would be truly dreadful).

In answer to Justin Bieber, it’s never too late to say sorry but maybe sometimes it’s just not necessary. I had a conversation with someone recently who told me the word is never required so I decided to call his bluff and said; “what if I maliciously kill someone, slowly and sadistically with incredibly will and intent – should I say sorry at some point?” and he said “well if you meant to do it then you’re really not sorry”. Touché old man.  I don’t 100% comprehend it but regardless I will take it as pure gospel.