- When my boyfriend walks past, laughing at my house mate and I saying ‘you know this is all fake right’; “No way, this shit is life or death, conflict in Gaza, sanctions on Russia, The Batchelor Australia, all important world issues”
- The girls are walking in, a few stumble in their sky high heels and floor length gowns; “uh hmm if that was me I’d be gliding in like the elegant swan that I am, not a baby foal talking its first steps…amateurs!”
- Brilliant, the one who they’ve framed as the ‘crazy stalker’ girl has arrived; “I don’t understand why they’re framing this as weird, singing an out of tune ditty you just wrote to a guy is freakin’ endearing…”
- All the ladies have made it inside; “It’s okay to pour myself another glass of champagne, the boxing class I did two hours ago is still workin its magic…”
- Osher Gunsberg comes on to tell us what the white rose means; “It’s not weird, not one bit at all that Andrew G is now called Osher because of a spiritual awakening…you gotta be a spiritual guy to be a presenter on this show…”
- There’s a cocktail party with ONE MAN and 24 WOMEN; “I got this, I’d totes excel in this situation, no stress, I’d be all like “whatever, all these bitches ain’t got shit on me” and just generally dominate, none of this erratic craziness we’re seeing here…”
- When it becomes clear that a number of women on this show have unaddressed psychological issues; “Ethics?! Who needs ethics! Making a top notch reality TV series means pushing the limits, even if the contestants are mentally unstable and will inevitably leave worse off than when it started…”
- While drunk Sam stands looking longingly at Beautiful Blake (or BB as he will henceforth be known); “When trying to get a man’s attention, I’ve never once been that a) creepy b) desperate c) drunk…”
- Boyfriend walks past again, this time he says ‘ugh, that shows is still on? Do you realise that it’s probably giving you eye cancer?!’; “Uhm has not, in fact it’s clearly increasing my IQ”
- It’s over; “I literally can’t even. What will I do with myself for the next week until it returns? I may quiet LITERALLY die of withdrawals. What’s that? It’s on again Thursday night? But I have to go to the gym. I will go to the gym and watch the catch up episode online later…I WILL GO TO THE GYM….”
- Every Sunday night; “I’m going to eat healthier this week”
- Monday morning after Sunday night’s health related declaration “Kale is delicious, especially at breakfast…”
- Every Monday night; “That won’t be the last time I make it to the gym this week…”
- During every workout session; “Burpees, push-ups and sit-ups are fun”
- During early morning work-outs; “I am such a morning person, 5.30am is the best time of day, everyone who’s still in bed is really missing out!”
- Some time, in fact several times mid-week; “I deserve this chocolate because I put in hard work at the gym two days ago…”
- Friday night; “I’m going to be strong this time around and have an alcohol free weekend”
- A tiny bit later Friday night; “Gin actually contains herbal properties that are beneficial to my immune system and coupled with tonic water, it’s pretty much a health drink”
- Later on Friday night; “If I have one water for every alcoholic beverage, it’s like I never even drank in the first place, in fact I’ll end up healthier and be more hydrated in the long run”
- Saturday morning; “Bacon and eggs with maple syrup is a superfood”
- On any morning while squeezing into skinny jeans; “Oh these jeans have always been tight…”
- When deciding if I need another drink on a Saturday night; “I’ll just drink some water before I go to bed, that’ll balance this out…”
- Whilst suffering on a Sunday morning / afternoon / evening; “hung over is a state of mind”
- Whilst deciding what to order for lunch; “Chicken burgers are just as delicious as beef…”
- Most days at work; “Facebook stalking my ex-boyfriends new girlfriends teenage sister who seems to have a more active social life than I do, is a productive use of my time”
- When mourning the most recent loss from my herb garden; “Just because I can’t keep a plant alive, doesn’t mean I can’t keep a pet alive. Heck, I could even manage to not kill a child if I had to…”
- Most days – both at work and in free time; “people understand and respect my choice to dress for comfort over style”.
- Most days, when making questionable television viewing choices; “Watching reality TV actually makes me a better person, because it teaches me what kind of person I shouldn’t be”.
- When driving, anywhere, any time; “people think you’re talking on your Bluetooth device and not singing along to the Spice Girls, they’re just looking at you strangely because they are wondering why such a gorgeous specimen chooses to drive herself, rather than having a chauffeur”.
- Every night after dinner; “I’ve been to the gym at least once this week and thinking about going a second time burned at least some calories so I’ve earned, neigh, I am entitled to eat this double fudge choc brownie, and the ice cream will actually help me burn more calories, because it’s cold and it takes more energy to digest cold food”.
I’m a little bit annoyed actually, because you see, people keep judging me. I don’t really think that their judgement is fair or valid or, in fact, very polite. Often people will tell you that judgement is just in your head and that ‘hey, being ‘judged’ is a bit of a first world problem, why not go get yourself a soy double mocha-chino and get the fuck over it’. When judgement is obvious though, like when someone does those eyes where they’re looking down upon you and just kind of sigh – maybe they’ll roll their eyes too, with the sole objective of making you feel belittled then it really sucks. This is all sounding pretty damned horrible right now, yeah? Kind of in the whole ‘get out the world’s tiniest violin and play to our hearts content’ way…
Anyhow, I guess you want to know what I’ve been feeling judged about…well, if you insist, I am sick and tired of being judged for talking about my wedding. Yes, I am aware that it’s generally not socially acceptable to talk about your wedding plans BEFORE you get a ring on your finger – yep, that’s right, not even engaged, but seriously, why on earth should that stop my planning?!
There have literally been occasions where I am telling a group of people all about my wedding plans, only for one of them to joyfully exclaim ‘I didn’t know you were engaged – congratulations’ – no, you ass clown, I am not engaged and now you have just made this kind of awkward and you’re certainly going to give me an odd look when I say ‘no, I’m just really organised…’ – and we could have avoided all that!
Now before you get all ‘you don’t need to get married to be happy, you can be a strong independent woman who don’t need no man’ – yes, I’m very aware of that. I don’t necessarily want to get married though, I actually just want a wedding, you see. Now you’re really thinking that I’m crazy, and you know what? You’re probably entitled to that; I’ll let you have that one. People have said to me “why not just have a party”. No. You clearly don’t get it. I want a wedding. Sure it won’t be traditional – I’ve already decided that catering will consist of hamburgers (and a vegetarian version, of course) and cheese platters – because these are superior forms of food. I’ll think I’ll wear a kind of non – traditional dress (but I can’t give too much away) but here’s the clincher – it’s gonna kick the butt of all my ‘friends’ weddings and only cost a fraction of the price! Yep, I’ve got it all sorted. So stop judging me – because yes, I am secretly judging your $20,000 wedding budget – ya fucking nutter.
Tuna and salad a meal does not make. There, I said it, all you little healthy do gooders out there can put that in your pipe and smoke it. Not that you would because it probably defeats the purpose of eating well but I’m sure you get the gist of it. My point? Eating tuna and salad for lunch today has made me incredibly unhappy.
It tasted fine – definitely not bland but…eugh it was tuna….and….salad.
I could have been eating delicious cold rolls with some tasty peanut sauce but instead I decided that I would a) try and save money b) use the left over salad from the fridge, and c) eat a little bit more healthy.
That’s where I screwed myself over, once and for all and ended up eating TUNA SALAD for lunch on a Tuesday.
People tell me that they LOVE eating salad. There is a name for these people; liars.
I learned at an early age that ‘you don’t make friends with salad’ and this sound advice has stuck with me through life. Yes, one day my anti-salad ways may catch up with me and my friends will be forced to roll me off the couch and down the street to the heart specialist (stopping for a burger along the way, just to keep me happy) but until that day I will without a doubt be waving the ‘no tuna salad for lunch’ flag and working hard at the gym to maintain my salad free lifestyle.
I hope you’re having a happy and salad free Tuesday, good people of the world!
Well, not literally. Please don’t get in my belly because that would be a little bit weird. Unless your first name is peanut butter and your last name is TimTam (because that’s likely…).
So I’m back in the blogosphere after a few years and many things have changed (we’ll get to those later) but many things haven’t – one being my immense, intense and all consuming absolute love of food. Does the food have to be fancy? Healthy? Even all that good? Not necessarily and tonights meal was an absolute testament to that.
After working my ass off at the gym in an energy pump class (yeah, get used to it, I’m now one of ‘those’ people who tell you all about how I exercise) I felt entitled to waste all of my hard work by making my house family (consisting of myself, my totally rad housemate Stacey and le boyfriend Rhys) hot dogs, coleslaw and sweet potato chippies for dinner – and freakin hell it kicked some massive master chef ass. Eat your heart out Master Chef Judges (I would name one of them…but I don’t know their names…).
So this is what my food looks like – yeah, it tasted better than it looks…
The highlight of the night though was the thing that truly destroyed any affect that the gym may have had…can I introduce, Peanut butter Tim Tams – new, innovative, in demand and delicious (hey, I should work in marketing…) these mouth watering little chocolate treats just got a million times better when they got together with my favourite breakfast spread, made sweet (geddit, sweet?!) chocolately love and made the most historically important offspring to grace the planet earth since Jesus Christ. I’ve heard a rumour (from a nutritionist friend – can’t trust those healthy types though…) that they use seven different colours of brown in the TimTam manufacturing process but I’ll be damned if any kind of health food mumbo jumbo ever stops me from indulging. In anything. Ever. By the grace of god I don’t know if I’ll ever experience anything so delicious again, so I sit here writing to you, drinking wine in a post food orgasm state of relaxation, dreaming about my next mouthful of happiness. Oh and please note, that this post is in no way sponsored by Arnotts – although I wish it was…because then maybe they would give me more TimTams, but a gal can only dream!